That is now the new nickname for Sleepy Bug! Mwahaha. Ha.
Things have been preeeeeetty much amazing lately (barring the occasional really annoying homework assignment). Gigglypuff and I have been spending as much time together as we can, we are officially dating (!) as of 10/04, and I just met her parents this weekend!
"We click so hard" seems to be the phrase of the day, and it is proven more and more true every day. I didn't know I could ever find such a seemingly perfect match. There is simply nothing to put on the "cons" side of a pros and cons list, if I were to make one.
I expected myself to write more tonight, but my eyes ain't stayin open so well, sooooo I gotta go to the beds. I think I finished all my homework....bahaha, a song called "Homework" just came on in the music radio app I'm listening to! Funnay stuff.
TTFN folks!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Wellllllll Friday night....
Some of you reading might already have at least a little bit of an idea what happened on Friday night, and if so, good for you! Haha. I'm not gonna go into too much detail, but....Friiiiiiday was awwwwwesome! ^_^
So let's see...basically, a girl asked me out this past week. Humm, I think I'll call her Sleepy Bug. Hehe. No one will understand that at all except for me. Maybe just Sleepy, for short. But so this came as a total surprise to me, just way out of left field. I had to think about it for a day or so, but I pretty quickly decided that it was worth it to at least just go on a date with her and see how things went. Sooo we basically instantly started talking/texting frequently, and started getting to know each other that way. We set Friday as our date night.
I am definitely formatting this far too similarly to a journal entry. These details aren't necessary. If you want details, ask me! So, had our date on Friday, which consisted of the following things: Elysium movie, Dairy Queen, YouTube videos, 3 hour walk, and lots of talking, in that order. It became pretty clear pretty quickly that things clicked between us, so, we are definitely moving forward from this point!
Exciting times :) And once again, proof that the best things for me always seem to come when/where I least expect them!
TTFN!
So let's see...basically, a girl asked me out this past week. Humm, I think I'll call her Sleepy Bug. Hehe. No one will understand that at all except for me. Maybe just Sleepy, for short. But so this came as a total surprise to me, just way out of left field. I had to think about it for a day or so, but I pretty quickly decided that it was worth it to at least just go on a date with her and see how things went. Sooo we basically instantly started talking/texting frequently, and started getting to know each other that way. We set Friday as our date night.
I am definitely formatting this far too similarly to a journal entry. These details aren't necessary. If you want details, ask me! So, had our date on Friday, which consisted of the following things: Elysium movie, Dairy Queen, YouTube videos, 3 hour walk, and lots of talking, in that order. It became pretty clear pretty quickly that things clicked between us, so, we are definitely moving forward from this point!
Exciting times :) And once again, proof that the best things for me always seem to come when/where I least expect them!
TTFN!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Spontaneous Connections
I planned to write this post much much earlier today (or yesterday, if you're counting the hours) with that title, and I am pretty sure I had a good plan laid out in my head for what I would say. Then BAM, struck in the brain by a new thing...Hahaha, I'm sure that sounded wonderful. I mean mentally.
I'll explain the previous point of the title first. I've realized today that I think spontaneous connections are extremely important in my life. And by spontaneous connections, I mean making a new connection with a person, be it on a friend level, acquaintance level, or something else. In this particular instance I am mostly specifically referring to suddenly becoming friends with people I have known for a while but was never friends with before. This has happened quite a few times in the past few months. I've made at least three new friends, ranging from pretty good to excellent. All of them are people I have basically been in school with for 4 years, but for some reason, until now (ish), I never really desired to be friends with them.
The reason this is important is because I think that every time this happens, it is marking a significant change within my mental state, or outlook on life. Some may argue that it is entirely circumstantial, that I still wouldn't be friends with those people had not the exact right combination of events occurred; however, I would argue that, while perhaps it was a specially specific combination of events that led to new friendship, those events couldn't have happened that way had I not had a change occur within me. I haven't exactly figured out what really might be changing, but it just feels right to me, that this is the explanation. How else could I "know of" someone for 4 years, be a student/colleague with them, and literally almost never speak to them any more than in passing, and then suddenly find myself becoming good friends with them, and really enjoying that friendship? I'm not totally sure. It could be something else. But I have liked pondering this thought today. I like entertaining the thought that some small parts of me have changed in such a way that it allows me to make new friends suddenly, out of the blue.
Somewhat related, and the cause of the aforementioned "BAM," is what just happened to me a few hours ago. Hmm....I won't go into details for now. But I had a very unexpected exchange of words with a completely unexpected person. It could be the start of a spontaneous connection. If that is the case, this could lead on to things I was not expecting from that direction at all. This idea, I like! I really really do enjoy having life just slap me in the face and say, "HEY! Wake up, bozo, it's over here, not over there."
I still need to think a lot about what I'm going to do, but suffice to say, my life is very interesting right now! :) I am mostly hoping I don't get stuck on one of the conflicts on which I'm expecting to get stuck. Because that won't be a fun hurdle.
Any-Who.....OMG Doctor Who 50th is in...70 days! SO EXCITED.
TTFN folks!!
I'll explain the previous point of the title first. I've realized today that I think spontaneous connections are extremely important in my life. And by spontaneous connections, I mean making a new connection with a person, be it on a friend level, acquaintance level, or something else. In this particular instance I am mostly specifically referring to suddenly becoming friends with people I have known for a while but was never friends with before. This has happened quite a few times in the past few months. I've made at least three new friends, ranging from pretty good to excellent. All of them are people I have basically been in school with for 4 years, but for some reason, until now (ish), I never really desired to be friends with them.
The reason this is important is because I think that every time this happens, it is marking a significant change within my mental state, or outlook on life. Some may argue that it is entirely circumstantial, that I still wouldn't be friends with those people had not the exact right combination of events occurred; however, I would argue that, while perhaps it was a specially specific combination of events that led to new friendship, those events couldn't have happened that way had I not had a change occur within me. I haven't exactly figured out what really might be changing, but it just feels right to me, that this is the explanation. How else could I "know of" someone for 4 years, be a student/colleague with them, and literally almost never speak to them any more than in passing, and then suddenly find myself becoming good friends with them, and really enjoying that friendship? I'm not totally sure. It could be something else. But I have liked pondering this thought today. I like entertaining the thought that some small parts of me have changed in such a way that it allows me to make new friends suddenly, out of the blue.
Somewhat related, and the cause of the aforementioned "BAM," is what just happened to me a few hours ago. Hmm....I won't go into details for now. But I had a very unexpected exchange of words with a completely unexpected person. It could be the start of a spontaneous connection. If that is the case, this could lead on to things I was not expecting from that direction at all. This idea, I like! I really really do enjoy having life just slap me in the face and say, "HEY! Wake up, bozo, it's over here, not over there."
I still need to think a lot about what I'm going to do, but suffice to say, my life is very interesting right now! :) I am mostly hoping I don't get stuck on one of the conflicts on which I'm expecting to get stuck. Because that won't be a fun hurdle.
Any-Who.....OMG Doctor Who 50th is in...70 days! SO EXCITED.
TTFN folks!!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
The End of the World
They said the world was going to end. They said it was written in ancient stone, that it was God's will. The Coming Apocalypse...People talked. They worried. People argued. People spent all their money stocking up on supplies in case they needed to survive in their homes...or, in other cases, people spent all their money on extravagant luxuries because they knew they didn't have long to live. Many doubted it. Many believed it.
They said it would all end on December 21st, 2012. They were wrong.
My world had already ended, when that "apocalypse" came and went with absolutely no consequence.
She took my world away from me the night before Thanksgiving. Well, that's not really fair, if I'm being honest. I guess I am just as much to blame. But everything came down around me. I did manage to come back from it quite a bit more quickly than I would've expected, but the more heavily-hitting repercussions have stayed with me up to and including today, boiling just beneath the surface most of the time.
It's been difficult, and it's been sad. But do you wanna know what else it's been?
It's been enlightening. As tough as it is to truly admit that to myself, I can live a little more easily knowing that I've learned long-lasting lessons, I've grown tremendously as a person, and I've been making myself better. Perhaps I'm not completely through with the healing process yet, or even as far along as I would like to think I am, but that's alright.
My world with her ended, but I'm going to be ok--no, I'm going to be fantastic. I am going to be fantastic, because I am building my own world again. I'm making my own life, my own friends, my own goals, and my own memories.
The world might be ending every single day, for all of us, or for each of us individually. But we can rebuild. I believe that. I hope you do too.
They said it would all end on December 21st, 2012. They were wrong.
My world had already ended, when that "apocalypse" came and went with absolutely no consequence.
She took my world away from me the night before Thanksgiving. Well, that's not really fair, if I'm being honest. I guess I am just as much to blame. But everything came down around me. I did manage to come back from it quite a bit more quickly than I would've expected, but the more heavily-hitting repercussions have stayed with me up to and including today, boiling just beneath the surface most of the time.
It's been difficult, and it's been sad. But do you wanna know what else it's been?
It's been enlightening. As tough as it is to truly admit that to myself, I can live a little more easily knowing that I've learned long-lasting lessons, I've grown tremendously as a person, and I've been making myself better. Perhaps I'm not completely through with the healing process yet, or even as far along as I would like to think I am, but that's alright.
My world with her ended, but I'm going to be ok--no, I'm going to be fantastic. I am going to be fantastic, because I am building my own world again. I'm making my own life, my own friends, my own goals, and my own memories.
The world might be ending every single day, for all of us, or for each of us individually. But we can rebuild. I believe that. I hope you do too.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Sugarcoated
I sort of feel like that's what my life is, right now. I've had a really easy semester, I almost 100% have a high-paying job secured for the summer, I am taking it easy, basically....
But there's all this other-ness happening beneath the surface.
Oh....Speaking of those words...... Beneath the Surface (Youtube) or Beneath the Surface (Spotify) if you prefer that. That song is....beautiful. Utterly. But it makes me cry. I'm not ready to share the reason why with the whole world at this point, but know that it means a great deal of very deep things to me. However, that's not quite related to this idea of my life being sugarcoated. Just an aside.
If you didn't already assume, by this point in this post, things with Bee ended up flipping around suddenly and unexpectedly on me, so, now we're just friends, because she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship with anyone. Sound familiar? :/
I don't like being bitter. Sometimes I say or do things and immediately realize Wow, I'm acting incredibly bitter right now. That's a shitty attitude. I should lighten up a bit. But then, I really do feel that way, to some extent, so I can't really bring myself to pretend to feel otherwise. Sometimes I do lighten up, and act happy and go along with whatever's happening. But I usually am able to do that by latching on to superficial pleasures that last only a fleeting few moments of time, and have no real meaning to me personally.
So here's an example. I went to a party tonight, for a friend's birthday and sort of for the end of the semester as well. It was a blast. I won at Twister, got to see a lot of people in one place that I don't normally see all together, I think I successfully mingled with all the crowds at some point or another. That felt good. But then after leaving it's like my whole body and soul just experience a general....wumph, downward. Because I realize, although I genuinely had fun and everything, it was still only distracting my mind from my inner turmoils, not solving anything.
I suppose I should clarify that, I am not implying that my friends (who were at that party) do not mean anything to me. I love my friends. I always feel surprised by how much more I realize how amazing they are, at each segment of my life. Shrink was there and although thoroughly inebriated, I think she could instantly tell that there was something lurking behind my smile and outer happiness, because when I was leaving she made sure to tell me she is always there to talk if I need it. For some reason, at that moment, it really meant a lot to me for her to say that.
This has been a little bit all over the place. I have been so incredibly scatterbrained lately. I can't really pinpoint the exact cause of why, though I expect that it is most likely a result of all the things happening in my life, not just one thing. Like, for the past 2 weeks, (sort of excluding the weekend....but not really) I have performed or worked EVERY single night. By the end of this week I've found myself legitimately scatterbrained, losing my train of thought without realizing it...it's weird. Having to work that much while trying to deal with all the emotional stuff that keeps happening in my brain takes its toll, I guess. I feel like I'm procrastinating my whole life.
What I just said to a friend about things....I feel like I know exactly what I want, but I can't figure out the right way to get a hold of it.
I think it's time to end this one for now, folks.
Ttfn.
But there's all this other-ness happening beneath the surface.
Oh....Speaking of those words...... Beneath the Surface (Youtube) or Beneath the Surface (Spotify) if you prefer that. That song is....beautiful. Utterly. But it makes me cry. I'm not ready to share the reason why with the whole world at this point, but know that it means a great deal of very deep things to me. However, that's not quite related to this idea of my life being sugarcoated. Just an aside.
If you didn't already assume, by this point in this post, things with Bee ended up flipping around suddenly and unexpectedly on me, so, now we're just friends, because she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship with anyone. Sound familiar? :/
I don't like being bitter. Sometimes I say or do things and immediately realize Wow, I'm acting incredibly bitter right now. That's a shitty attitude. I should lighten up a bit. But then, I really do feel that way, to some extent, so I can't really bring myself to pretend to feel otherwise. Sometimes I do lighten up, and act happy and go along with whatever's happening. But I usually am able to do that by latching on to superficial pleasures that last only a fleeting few moments of time, and have no real meaning to me personally.
So here's an example. I went to a party tonight, for a friend's birthday and sort of for the end of the semester as well. It was a blast. I won at Twister, got to see a lot of people in one place that I don't normally see all together, I think I successfully mingled with all the crowds at some point or another. That felt good. But then after leaving it's like my whole body and soul just experience a general....wumph, downward. Because I realize, although I genuinely had fun and everything, it was still only distracting my mind from my inner turmoils, not solving anything.
I suppose I should clarify that, I am not implying that my friends (who were at that party) do not mean anything to me. I love my friends. I always feel surprised by how much more I realize how amazing they are, at each segment of my life. Shrink was there and although thoroughly inebriated, I think she could instantly tell that there was something lurking behind my smile and outer happiness, because when I was leaving she made sure to tell me she is always there to talk if I need it. For some reason, at that moment, it really meant a lot to me for her to say that.
This has been a little bit all over the place. I have been so incredibly scatterbrained lately. I can't really pinpoint the exact cause of why, though I expect that it is most likely a result of all the things happening in my life, not just one thing. Like, for the past 2 weeks, (sort of excluding the weekend....but not really) I have performed or worked EVERY single night. By the end of this week I've found myself legitimately scatterbrained, losing my train of thought without realizing it...it's weird. Having to work that much while trying to deal with all the emotional stuff that keeps happening in my brain takes its toll, I guess. I feel like I'm procrastinating my whole life.
What I just said to a friend about things....I feel like I know exactly what I want, but I can't figure out the right way to get a hold of it.
I think it's time to end this one for now, folks.
Ttfn.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Excitement! Mystery! Intrigue!
Well, sort of...But I figure it's time to write me up anudder wunna deez.... <--- What? Why did I think it was a good idea to type that way?............
Sooooooooo things have progressed right along with Bee! A part of me was truthfully surprised that things actually started working out. She just seemed like the kind of girl who would've never been interested in me, but here we are!
We have been hanging out pretty regularly for the past...two weeks, ish, or so? I guess more like three weeks. And talking and stuff. And then this past Sunday we went on a real, official, first date :) Just the basics, we went to dinner and a movie, which was totally fine by me. The movie was HYAMASZINGH, and we held hands and it was cute :P (I'm omitting some small details which I might not normally omit, because those of you who don't know who Bee is are not supposed to find out yet, and you might put clues together!).
Well I guess there's not that much else to say about the date itself. It was really really fun and enjoyable, and I am definitely looking forward to our next one (which is tentatively planned at this point). I think things are going to continue proceeding really well, and that makes me really happy :)
She's a really wonderful woman. Ok I picked one feature of her to talk about, just now, so that I don't just suddenly flood this post with a million tiny reasons why she's awesome...haha. Her eyes. They are amazing! I haven't quite gotten a really good close look at them yet, but they are basically a light blue-ish color in the center of the iris, and on the outside they have a darker circle of blue (ish) all the way around! It's so cool. It's like...those spinning spiral pictures that aren't actually spinning...sort of like that but wayyy better. Super super pretty :)
Ok. I shall be done talking for now. Mrrrrrr sleep is dumb....Doctor Whooooooooooooooo! :DDDD
TTFN!
Sooooooooo things have progressed right along with Bee! A part of me was truthfully surprised that things actually started working out. She just seemed like the kind of girl who would've never been interested in me, but here we are!
We have been hanging out pretty regularly for the past...two weeks, ish, or so? I guess more like three weeks. And talking and stuff. And then this past Sunday we went on a real, official, first date :) Just the basics, we went to dinner and a movie, which was totally fine by me. The movie was HYAMASZINGH, and we held hands and it was cute :P (I'm omitting some small details which I might not normally omit, because those of you who don't know who Bee is are not supposed to find out yet, and you might put clues together!).
Well I guess there's not that much else to say about the date itself. It was really really fun and enjoyable, and I am definitely looking forward to our next one (which is tentatively planned at this point). I think things are going to continue proceeding really well, and that makes me really happy :)
She's a really wonderful woman. Ok I picked one feature of her to talk about, just now, so that I don't just suddenly flood this post with a million tiny reasons why she's awesome...haha. Her eyes. They are amazing! I haven't quite gotten a really good close look at them yet, but they are basically a light blue-ish color in the center of the iris, and on the outside they have a darker circle of blue (ish) all the way around! It's so cool. It's like...those spinning spiral pictures that aren't actually spinning...sort of like that but wayyy better. Super super pretty :)
Ok. I shall be done talking for now. Mrrrrrr sleep is dumb....Doctor Whooooooooooooooo! :DDDD
TTFN!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Doctor Who minipiphany
Like that? Minipiphany...Mini-epiphany. I'm brilliant.
Anyway. I just posted a fan comment on a Doctor Who picture in response to someone else with whom I disagreed quite a bit, and as I was explaining my point, I think I just hit home on a huge reason why I like 10 more than 11, and one that has nothing to do with my opinions of Moffat or Matt Smith himself or the writing quality or anything. Just the true character of the 11th Doctor. Here it is.
Both 10 and 11 are very goofy Doctors, albeit in their very own very special ways :P Initially, when I started series 5, I just felt like 11 was an imitation of the goofiness of 10. I tried to chalk it up to poor acting choices, or poor writing choices, etc...but it just always nagged me because it felt weird. Through these 3 series with Matt Smith I have grown much more fond of his Doctor anyway, but that was one thing that never truly settled with me. Now I've figured it out (remember, this is my personal opinion). I think that when 10 is being goofy, it's because that's legitimately in his nature. He just has a goofy personality in general, and he loves to Ooh and Ahh at all the little things in life and he likes to be enveloped in the splendor of the universe. I feel like when 11 is being goofy, it's because he's trying to put on a bit of a facade to others (and possibly to himself) in order to hide all the darkness and sadness inside him. 11 definitely has quirkiness built into his personality, no question. But actual silliness and goofiness...I feel like that is his front that he puts on, because deep down he is just a very troubled man who is not at peace with himself.
I'm not sure if that made entire sense, but it has made me respect the 11th Doctor much more, just because I feel like I understand why he can be so similar to 10, almost to the point of feeling like imitation, but still be so completely different.
:)
TTFN!
Anyway. I just posted a fan comment on a Doctor Who picture in response to someone else with whom I disagreed quite a bit, and as I was explaining my point, I think I just hit home on a huge reason why I like 10 more than 11, and one that has nothing to do with my opinions of Moffat or Matt Smith himself or the writing quality or anything. Just the true character of the 11th Doctor. Here it is.
Both 10 and 11 are very goofy Doctors, albeit in their very own very special ways :P Initially, when I started series 5, I just felt like 11 was an imitation of the goofiness of 10. I tried to chalk it up to poor acting choices, or poor writing choices, etc...but it just always nagged me because it felt weird. Through these 3 series with Matt Smith I have grown much more fond of his Doctor anyway, but that was one thing that never truly settled with me. Now I've figured it out (remember, this is my personal opinion). I think that when 10 is being goofy, it's because that's legitimately in his nature. He just has a goofy personality in general, and he loves to Ooh and Ahh at all the little things in life and he likes to be enveloped in the splendor of the universe. I feel like when 11 is being goofy, it's because he's trying to put on a bit of a facade to others (and possibly to himself) in order to hide all the darkness and sadness inside him. 11 definitely has quirkiness built into his personality, no question. But actual silliness and goofiness...I feel like that is his front that he puts on, because deep down he is just a very troubled man who is not at peace with himself.
I'm not sure if that made entire sense, but it has made me respect the 11th Doctor much more, just because I feel like I understand why he can be so similar to 10, almost to the point of feeling like imitation, but still be so completely different.
:)
TTFN!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
New friends!
So I've been continuing my extension into the more social aspect of college life and it has still been rewarding so far. Last Saturday night I stayed up until about 4:30, with several "new" friends at their house, and it was wayyyyy fun! The only weird down-ish side is that I'm beginning to enjoy the company of all these people and then I look back at the past four years of my life and wonder why I've never become friends with these people before.
Well, I know the answer, really. I gave myself completely to Dove. I don't regret that. And the next time I get into a serious relationship, I will again fully give myself to whomever it may be. But this next time I'll be able to do it with slightly more wisdom, I'd like to think. We shall see.
Speaking of relationships, things didn't pan out in that way with Thorn, nor with Shrink. I am now just close friends with both of them, and generally everyone is happy. Lol. And, hey, guess what, there's yet another new interest....I guess I am kinda on a roll, huh? Well, if I am, then I wish I weren't. I'd prefer to find a good one and stop there. But I suppose it's at least a little bit good that I'm not having attachment issues with each new potential interest, the way I would've pre-Dove. This new interest, I shall call her....Bee. Hmmm...yeah, what the heck. If she reads this blog then she'll probably get that reference and realize I'm talking about her, and as far as I know, she hasn't yet realized I'm interested. Though that is likely to change tomorrow. If things go as planned. MWAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Excuse me, there. But I don't think that she will read this post, or that she even knows I write a blog. Perhaps I'll tell her, as part of my evil plan! Nahhhh.
Anyway. Bee. Hmmm....I'm kind of too tired to describe her much, but she's also sort of one of these "new friend" types that I'm just starting to get to know, and it happens that I'm feeling an interest further than friendship in her. Based on our interactions so far, I'd (objectively) say it's plausible that she is interested in me as well, but it's also just as plausible that the signs I'm taking as an interest really are just gestures of wanting to become really good friends. Soooo it's that kind of situation, right now. Which is a little bit frustrating. But weeee shall see what happens tomorrow, if anything....those of you reading who already know about this person, I bet you can't even guess what my "plan" is. Hehe. It's pretty simple really. But you'll find out soon enough. If it turns out she holds no interest in me whatsoever I might be a bit disappointed about putting the...effort into my simple plan that I did, but oh well. Life is about risk! Yeah! Wish me luck in my endeavors!!
Ohhhh it's probably time to sleep. Conducting in the morning YESSS so much FUN wait, that's wrong NAHT FUHN mhmmm sleepy time.
TTFN!
Well, I know the answer, really. I gave myself completely to Dove. I don't regret that. And the next time I get into a serious relationship, I will again fully give myself to whomever it may be. But this next time I'll be able to do it with slightly more wisdom, I'd like to think. We shall see.
Speaking of relationships, things didn't pan out in that way with Thorn, nor with Shrink. I am now just close friends with both of them, and generally everyone is happy. Lol. And, hey, guess what, there's yet another new interest....I guess I am kinda on a roll, huh? Well, if I am, then I wish I weren't. I'd prefer to find a good one and stop there. But I suppose it's at least a little bit good that I'm not having attachment issues with each new potential interest, the way I would've pre-Dove. This new interest, I shall call her....Bee. Hmmm...yeah, what the heck. If she reads this blog then she'll probably get that reference and realize I'm talking about her, and as far as I know, she hasn't yet realized I'm interested. Though that is likely to change tomorrow. If things go as planned. MWAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Excuse me, there. But I don't think that she will read this post, or that she even knows I write a blog. Perhaps I'll tell her, as part of my evil plan! Nahhhh.
Anyway. Bee. Hmmm....I'm kind of too tired to describe her much, but she's also sort of one of these "new friend" types that I'm just starting to get to know, and it happens that I'm feeling an interest further than friendship in her. Based on our interactions so far, I'd (objectively) say it's plausible that she is interested in me as well, but it's also just as plausible that the signs I'm taking as an interest really are just gestures of wanting to become really good friends. Soooo it's that kind of situation, right now. Which is a little bit frustrating. But weeee shall see what happens tomorrow, if anything....those of you reading who already know about this person, I bet you can't even guess what my "plan" is. Hehe. It's pretty simple really. But you'll find out soon enough. If it turns out she holds no interest in me whatsoever I might be a bit disappointed about putting the...effort into my simple plan that I did, but oh well. Life is about risk! Yeah! Wish me luck in my endeavors!!
Ohhhh it's probably time to sleep. Conducting in the morning YESSS so much FUN wait, that's wrong NAHT FUHN mhmmm sleepy time.
TTFN!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Interesting things are happening...
Mrrr, I'm not exactly sure how to feel about what I've been thinking lately. Inversely, I'm not sure what to think about how I've been feeling lately.
See what I did there?
I'm a clever boy.
Well, focused as I tend to be on this aspect of my life, I'll just out with it. New romantic interest(s), I do have (I'm Yoda?).
It's been a long time since I experienced the sensation of liking more than one girl at the same time (mostly just because it's been a long time since I was single before Dove), and it was confusing me a decent amount when I first realized that that is what's happening. I came to an internal resolution about it, though, which made me much more at peace with the fact that these multiple feelings can exist.
So, one interest, to whom I shall refer as....hmmmmmm. Maybe...no. Shrink! Ok. She is now Shrink. Lol. Nooooo one is going to get that except her ^_^ So, Shrink and I recently started becoming more active friends, and we've been hanging out somewhat regularly and getting to know each other for the first time, even though we've been at school together for 4 years. As we started talking more and hanging out we developed a particular dynamic between the two of us, and it was kiiiiind of flirtatious, but at the same time, not blatantly obvious enough for me to be like "Whoa she's definitely flirting with me." So I wasn't sure if I really did like her or I just wanted to get to be really good friends with her. After a while I decided I would put slightly more focus on actually flirting with her, just to see where things would go (if anywhere) and we did come to a point where she said something like "I think you are flirting with me!" and I openly acknowledged it. So we discussed it, like I always end up doing :P She said she hadn't been flirting with me, but is open to the idea of dating and basically just letting us get to know each other better; however she also said she doesn't want anything to happen that will mess up our friendship, especially since it's such a new one. So I am interested in her now, and the more I get to know her, the more intriguing she is to me, but we'll see if she does want anything more than friendship in the long run. I think having a relationship with her could be really fun and good for me and us, if things lead to that, but honestly if we only end up as friends, I would not be particularly distraught at this point, because she is a wonderful quirky friend that I am happy to have had enter my life :)
Another (newer) interest, whom I shall call Thorn (which has no relation to anything about her at all except for a really really random minor thing), kinda has the same story at this point: we've just started getting to know each other, and there may be more than friendship lurking in the possibilities. In this case, though, it seems that she is more evidently displaying interest in me than Shrink. Again, what I'm interpreting as interest could just be a lot of effort put into becoming good friends, but I have more of a gut feeling that Thorn is romantically interested in me. Or at least, maybe, she is exploring that possibility but isn't entirely sure about it yet. Hrmm. We shall see, I suppose!
There actually are a couple other vaguely possible interests of mine, but for the most part I get the vibe that they aren't romantically interested in me at all, and because of that I actually find it difficult to push along my feelings any further than the general thought of "Maybe if she shows interest in me some day in the future I'll revisit that possibility." This is actually a stark contrast to how I used to handle romantic interests before Dove. I was, first of all, absolutely horrible at noticing when a girl was definitely not interested in me. So if I decided I liked a girl, and she didn't return that sentiment, I would unfortunately stick with it to the bitter end until I had pushed her away so far that even friendship was out of the question, hoping desperately that she would change her mind. Now, if I can't see any possible interest from her, I pretty much won't even allow myself to feel further than a very mild casual interest. I haven't really directly realized that change in myself until this very moment. That feels good!
And, MBD is still lingering in the back of my mind as a potential option if things ever change for her...But things have really kinda taken a turn down a different path than I would've thought, even within the mold of friendship, so my feelings for her actually dropped off significantly, recently, which was a little bit surprising. But I don't feel like getting into that here. I have to leave something for my personal journal, right?
Ha. Well I need to get to sleep--grr, I still have to shower first too. I don't have school obligations until 1:30 pm tomorrow (or today), but I'm hanging out with someone at 10:30 or 11:00 am, so I actually have to get myself up in the morning! :P
TTFN, folks!
See what I did there?
I'm a clever boy.
Well, focused as I tend to be on this aspect of my life, I'll just out with it. New romantic interest(s), I do have (I'm Yoda?).
It's been a long time since I experienced the sensation of liking more than one girl at the same time (mostly just because it's been a long time since I was single before Dove), and it was confusing me a decent amount when I first realized that that is what's happening. I came to an internal resolution about it, though, which made me much more at peace with the fact that these multiple feelings can exist.
So, one interest, to whom I shall refer as....hmmmmmm. Maybe...no. Shrink! Ok. She is now Shrink. Lol. Nooooo one is going to get that except her ^_^ So, Shrink and I recently started becoming more active friends, and we've been hanging out somewhat regularly and getting to know each other for the first time, even though we've been at school together for 4 years. As we started talking more and hanging out we developed a particular dynamic between the two of us, and it was kiiiiind of flirtatious, but at the same time, not blatantly obvious enough for me to be like "Whoa she's definitely flirting with me." So I wasn't sure if I really did like her or I just wanted to get to be really good friends with her. After a while I decided I would put slightly more focus on actually flirting with her, just to see where things would go (if anywhere) and we did come to a point where she said something like "I think you are flirting with me!" and I openly acknowledged it. So we discussed it, like I always end up doing :P She said she hadn't been flirting with me, but is open to the idea of dating and basically just letting us get to know each other better; however she also said she doesn't want anything to happen that will mess up our friendship, especially since it's such a new one. So I am interested in her now, and the more I get to know her, the more intriguing she is to me, but we'll see if she does want anything more than friendship in the long run. I think having a relationship with her could be really fun and good for me and us, if things lead to that, but honestly if we only end up as friends, I would not be particularly distraught at this point, because she is a wonderful quirky friend that I am happy to have had enter my life :)
Another (newer) interest, whom I shall call Thorn (which has no relation to anything about her at all except for a really really random minor thing), kinda has the same story at this point: we've just started getting to know each other, and there may be more than friendship lurking in the possibilities. In this case, though, it seems that she is more evidently displaying interest in me than Shrink. Again, what I'm interpreting as interest could just be a lot of effort put into becoming good friends, but I have more of a gut feeling that Thorn is romantically interested in me. Or at least, maybe, she is exploring that possibility but isn't entirely sure about it yet. Hrmm. We shall see, I suppose!
There actually are a couple other vaguely possible interests of mine, but for the most part I get the vibe that they aren't romantically interested in me at all, and because of that I actually find it difficult to push along my feelings any further than the general thought of "Maybe if she shows interest in me some day in the future I'll revisit that possibility." This is actually a stark contrast to how I used to handle romantic interests before Dove. I was, first of all, absolutely horrible at noticing when a girl was definitely not interested in me. So if I decided I liked a girl, and she didn't return that sentiment, I would unfortunately stick with it to the bitter end until I had pushed her away so far that even friendship was out of the question, hoping desperately that she would change her mind. Now, if I can't see any possible interest from her, I pretty much won't even allow myself to feel further than a very mild casual interest. I haven't really directly realized that change in myself until this very moment. That feels good!
And, MBD is still lingering in the back of my mind as a potential option if things ever change for her...But things have really kinda taken a turn down a different path than I would've thought, even within the mold of friendship, so my feelings for her actually dropped off significantly, recently, which was a little bit surprising. But I don't feel like getting into that here. I have to leave something for my personal journal, right?
Ha. Well I need to get to sleep--grr, I still have to shower first too. I don't have school obligations until 1:30 pm tomorrow (or today), but I'm hanging out with someone at 10:30 or 11:00 am, so I actually have to get myself up in the morning! :P
TTFN, folks!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
My favorite keyboard working again!!!
I really don't have a reason to write this post at all other than I just got my favorite Saitek gaming keyboard working properly again and I LOOOOOOVE typing on it!! Ahhhhhh....It's so much more comfortable. The keys have just the right amount of action, but a relatively soft rebound, so it's kind of like typing on a laptop keyboard but with full-sized keys instead of those stupid flat ones. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.....Ok I think I can stop now :P Sorry if I'm in love with my keyboard. :D
Sunday, March 31, 2013
3 years ago today
Was the day Dove and I officially started dating. It's about time i got around to this blog post, since I said I would write one today...
Surprisingly, I haven't really been experiencing much of any emotions about her today. I actually got a little upset about something else to do with a friend, today, so maybe that distracted me, or maybe I wouldn't have had emotions about Dove anyway, even if I didn't have these other negative feelings and worries about my friend. Not gonna talk about that, though, because I am not sure what is going on yet, so...meh. We'll see.
In fact I really don't have much of anything to say about anything. I've watched a lot of classic Doctor Who today, just four more episodes to finish the second season...and that's about all. Oh, happy Easter! That's today. Not that I care much. I am just glad it started raining again tonight :) And I am seriously considering going for a run in the rain.
I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, since my plans fell through....sigh. I suppose I should just practice. I should do that tonight too.
I am honestly surprised that I don't have anything to say. I don't feel words bubbling up like I normally do. Whatevs. It's April tomorrow...yayyyy.
Ttfn
Surprisingly, I haven't really been experiencing much of any emotions about her today. I actually got a little upset about something else to do with a friend, today, so maybe that distracted me, or maybe I wouldn't have had emotions about Dove anyway, even if I didn't have these other negative feelings and worries about my friend. Not gonna talk about that, though, because I am not sure what is going on yet, so...meh. We'll see.
In fact I really don't have much of anything to say about anything. I've watched a lot of classic Doctor Who today, just four more episodes to finish the second season...and that's about all. Oh, happy Easter! That's today. Not that I care much. I am just glad it started raining again tonight :) And I am seriously considering going for a run in the rain.
I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, since my plans fell through....sigh. I suppose I should just practice. I should do that tonight too.
I am honestly surprised that I don't have anything to say. I don't feel words bubbling up like I normally do. Whatevs. It's April tomorrow...yayyyy.
Ttfn
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Last night, I went to a party
And I enjoyed it! All by myself! Not like I didn't have friends, I knew pretty much every person there, but I mean in the respect that it was the first party I've attended without being in the company of Dove. I didn't ever go to parties in high school, and I didn't go to any in college until I started dating Dove, because she had a big circle of friends and wanted me to go with her to those parties, naturally. What I've realized though, is that because I went to those parties for her, and not for myself, that is the reason why I've still held this belief until now that I really just can't enjoy parties at all. Last night I proved myself wrong. I still don't participate in drinking or anything else, but it just ended up being really fun to see so many of my friends and colleagues being relaxed and having fun at the beginning of our spring break :) Not to mention, at this particular party, my friends' band played some live music in the garage, which was freakin awesome!! I always love watching my friends perform in a band together, because it makes me a little jealous that they are doing something I've always wanted to do, but also makes me really happy to see them all doing something they love doing just because they can and they're good at it.
So yeah. the party was fun ^_^ And, it's Spring break! Woot woot! Also....DOCTOR WHO EPISODE TODAY OMFG. SO EXCITED. Now that that's out of the way, I think I shall go lament how warm the weather has gotten, and sit around doing nothing (or maybe playing Halo) until we Whovians get together to watch Doctor Who ^_^
TTFN!
So yeah. the party was fun ^_^ And, it's Spring break! Woot woot! Also....DOCTOR WHO EPISODE TODAY OMFG. SO EXCITED. Now that that's out of the way, I think I shall go lament how warm the weather has gotten, and sit around doing nothing (or maybe playing Halo) until we Whovians get together to watch Doctor Who ^_^
TTFN!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Comfortable Hugs
She shall remain unnamed, because I'm sure she doesn't want me telling everyone all about this, haha. I just wanted to share this little anecdote with all of you who read, though, it's a pretty quick story (for once). Got a text message from my friend today, telling me that the last hug I gave her was "actually really comfortable. not bad" hahaha. I don't remember the last time anyone complimented me on my hugging abilities, if anyone ever actually has at all! :P No, wait...I think it may have been in my freshman or sophomore year of high school, my friend told me I gave the best hugs ever...except that was because I gave her a back massage when she hugged me rofl. I guess that's pretty different. Oh! there was someone else in high school who used to give me power-hugs, which started when we were in Italy and she got lost with her friend when the whole group was supposed to meet up for dinner, and I went to find her. Lol. that was really funny. Ok who am I kidding...I hug all my friends, I'm sure plenty of people have told me over the years that I give good hugs :) Or, I'll keep telling myself that, in any case...
K! So hugs. Yup. Lol. Figured I would cap off this night with a blog post, it's been a while since I wrote. I have been really busy this week actually, I had to perform in my friend's senior recital hearing on Friday, so we rehearsed for that several times through the week. I attended a concert on Friday night as well, got to hang out with MBD a little bit beforehand, and we wrote ridiculous notes to each other during the concert (we were sitting next to each other). That was a very amazing concert, by the way. Our violin instructor performed some duet stuff with a guest alumna violinist, and they each also performed some solo stuff as well. I will refrain from getting into my full music critiquing, but try to condense my opinions into a few sentences. I very much enjoyed our professor's playing. More so than the guest artist. She was fantastic, no doubt, and played some very technical pieces. However, it just seemed like she was a bit devoid of emotions throughout the concert, while our professor was very clearly loving every minute of the concert, and was very involved, if you will, with his sounds and those of the other performers. He is fantastic. Even at one point when he completely screwed up some harmonics in a very delicate piece, it didn't even bother me, because it fit the mood of the piece, haha. Anyway.
I also had rehearsals this week for Sparkle's senior recital, in which I will be performing in a quartet piece. I have all the movements down pat except the last one, which has a couple 16th note runs I need to work on just a little bit more. Her hearing is this coming Tuesday. She's freaking out about it because she doesn't think she's ready. I don't think she realizes that the level of musicianship here unfortunately isn't all that high and that makes it easier than one might think to pass one's recital hearing. Meh. Let's see...
Ohhhhh yeah. So work this weekend....jeez that was terrible. I mean, I shouldn't complain too much, I made quite a bit of extra money, relatively, for working long positions yesterday and today. But, man...outside events that happen in our hall at the music department are always SO UNORGANIZED. I mean come on. So the event yesterday got moved into our hall ON FRIDAY, no joke. One day's notice, and I just happened to be sitting in the lobby when the secretary came out looking for anyone who works in tech pool, so I was like fiiiine I'll get up early to make more money. It was just me and the sound guy working that event, and we seriously had to do pretty much nothing the whole time. And it was incredibly boring. And then everyone left without telling us they were done, so we sat around for a while before deciding it was time to just lock up and go home, lol. Then today...Bigger event, lots of "bigwigs" in attendance, very famous guest speaker, etc...So the people scheduled to work were: two ushers, to make sure no food was brought into the hall, hand out programs, etc.; me, working backstage if necessary, and being the main contact between us and the people heading the event; one guy doing live sound/video recording; and one guy doing audio recording. Sooo, the recording engineer and live sound engineer were supposed to be there a half hour earlier than the rest of us, to make sure the mics were set up or torn down whichever was necessary, and get the lights programmed properly, and set up the video camera, and make sure the projector was working, you get the idea. Swizzle was there on time (as live sound guy), but the other guy didn't show. In fact he didn't show until about 20 minutes before the event ended. So what this means is that Swizzle had to do the whole setup of the tech stuff in the hall himself, and then during the event he was running the camera, live sound, and audio recording all himself (the rest of us have no training for any of the audio tech stuff, it's a separate job) because none of the other audio engineers were available to help. I ended up helping Swizzle with mic leveling during the event, which I'm sure was a little bit of relief for him, but he was super stressed, haha. The event was a success though. Just really frustrating. Those people did NOT understand how to talk into a microphone either, God Dammit.
Whoa. This got long. My bad! You'll just have to deal. Or maybe you're some kind of stalker who soaks all this up and basks in it...wow that was really a super creepy description. Hahaha Okayyyy time to log off, me...
TTFN! Looking forward to this week and the bright new possibilities it may bring me :)
K! So hugs. Yup. Lol. Figured I would cap off this night with a blog post, it's been a while since I wrote. I have been really busy this week actually, I had to perform in my friend's senior recital hearing on Friday, so we rehearsed for that several times through the week. I attended a concert on Friday night as well, got to hang out with MBD a little bit beforehand, and we wrote ridiculous notes to each other during the concert (we were sitting next to each other). That was a very amazing concert, by the way. Our violin instructor performed some duet stuff with a guest alumna violinist, and they each also performed some solo stuff as well. I will refrain from getting into my full music critiquing, but try to condense my opinions into a few sentences. I very much enjoyed our professor's playing. More so than the guest artist. She was fantastic, no doubt, and played some very technical pieces. However, it just seemed like she was a bit devoid of emotions throughout the concert, while our professor was very clearly loving every minute of the concert, and was very involved, if you will, with his sounds and those of the other performers. He is fantastic. Even at one point when he completely screwed up some harmonics in a very delicate piece, it didn't even bother me, because it fit the mood of the piece, haha. Anyway.
I also had rehearsals this week for Sparkle's senior recital, in which I will be performing in a quartet piece. I have all the movements down pat except the last one, which has a couple 16th note runs I need to work on just a little bit more. Her hearing is this coming Tuesday. She's freaking out about it because she doesn't think she's ready. I don't think she realizes that the level of musicianship here unfortunately isn't all that high and that makes it easier than one might think to pass one's recital hearing. Meh. Let's see...
Ohhhhh yeah. So work this weekend....jeez that was terrible. I mean, I shouldn't complain too much, I made quite a bit of extra money, relatively, for working long positions yesterday and today. But, man...outside events that happen in our hall at the music department are always SO UNORGANIZED. I mean come on. So the event yesterday got moved into our hall ON FRIDAY, no joke. One day's notice, and I just happened to be sitting in the lobby when the secretary came out looking for anyone who works in tech pool, so I was like fiiiine I'll get up early to make more money. It was just me and the sound guy working that event, and we seriously had to do pretty much nothing the whole time. And it was incredibly boring. And then everyone left without telling us they were done, so we sat around for a while before deciding it was time to just lock up and go home, lol. Then today...Bigger event, lots of "bigwigs" in attendance, very famous guest speaker, etc...So the people scheduled to work were: two ushers, to make sure no food was brought into the hall, hand out programs, etc.; me, working backstage if necessary, and being the main contact between us and the people heading the event; one guy doing live sound/video recording; and one guy doing audio recording. Sooo, the recording engineer and live sound engineer were supposed to be there a half hour earlier than the rest of us, to make sure the mics were set up or torn down whichever was necessary, and get the lights programmed properly, and set up the video camera, and make sure the projector was working, you get the idea. Swizzle was there on time (as live sound guy), but the other guy didn't show. In fact he didn't show until about 20 minutes before the event ended. So what this means is that Swizzle had to do the whole setup of the tech stuff in the hall himself, and then during the event he was running the camera, live sound, and audio recording all himself (the rest of us have no training for any of the audio tech stuff, it's a separate job) because none of the other audio engineers were available to help. I ended up helping Swizzle with mic leveling during the event, which I'm sure was a little bit of relief for him, but he was super stressed, haha. The event was a success though. Just really frustrating. Those people did NOT understand how to talk into a microphone either, God Dammit.
Whoa. This got long. My bad! You'll just have to deal. Or maybe you're some kind of stalker who soaks all this up and basks in it...wow that was really a super creepy description. Hahaha Okayyyy time to log off, me...
TTFN! Looking forward to this week and the bright new possibilities it may bring me :)
Saturday, March 16, 2013
If the Doctor were real...
You know what I would do? I'll tell you.
Right here, right now.
Like, now.
I would go back in time, and change history, so that Monopoly the board game was never invented. Ever. EVER.
That is all. That's it.
Aside from the inevitably long and horrible game of Monopoly played tonight, today was in fact a pretty good day, just as I predicted. I'm on my iPad right now and actually really tired so I'm not going to get into any details. But I spent time with Swizzle+Sparkle, and MBD, tonight, watching Disney movies and playing board games. I also came up with a completely new and original nickname for MBD, that is now my personal nickname for her, and she decided upon her own personal nickname for me as well. So that was fun :)
I think I'm going to maybe literally pass out if I don't just go to sleep, so TTFN!
Right here, right now.
Like, now.
I would go back in time, and change history, so that Monopoly the board game was never invented. Ever. EVER.
That is all. That's it.
Aside from the inevitably long and horrible game of Monopoly played tonight, today was in fact a pretty good day, just as I predicted. I'm on my iPad right now and actually really tired so I'm not going to get into any details. But I spent time with Swizzle+Sparkle, and MBD, tonight, watching Disney movies and playing board games. I also came up with a completely new and original nickname for MBD, that is now my personal nickname for her, and she decided upon her own personal nickname for me as well. So that was fun :)
I think I'm going to maybe literally pass out if I don't just go to sleep, so TTFN!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
P.S.
If I don't have a god damn girlfriend of some kind to take with me with whom I can enjoy Magic Mountain at some point before the end of 2013, I will be a very sad panda.
Mood swings
It has been a long time since I had what I refer to as mood swings. I guess that makes sense, since I spent most of the last three years with Dove, who made me happy the majority of the time. This is something that happens to me while I'm single, I keep going through sad moments and happy moments, sometimes in very quick succession. For example one moment I could be simply happy that I at least get to be friends with someone as wonderful as MBD, and then less than ten minutes later I'll be moaning over the fact that I was so close to being with her but now we can only be friends.
Several friends have been telling me repeatedly, lately, that I need to learn to be happy by myself before I can really hope to have a successful relationship. While I know this is true to some extent, from my own experiences, I sort of feel like it's difficult for others to understand what I really want from life. It isn't that I'm unhappy with myself, or anything of that nature. The deal is that I was planning to spend my whole life with Dove, and I was incredibly happy about it. While I was with her, I discovered for sure that what I want is to have a wife and kid(s), and that I was going to live out that dream with her was fulfilling something I wanted more than anything else. Then it was all taken away. Because of the fact that I have already tasted what I really want, it just makes me miserable to not have it anymore. I went through some internal journeys, I figured out what I really want, but now I can't have it. And the whole situation with MBD, life is such a fucking bitch sometimes. She was unexpected and nearly perfect, and would've been the answer to what I am looking for, at least in short-term. Long-term would've been something to discover along the way with her, obviously I don't know someone is my future wife the instant I start dating her. But I could start to see that possible future manifest itself again, and I was surprised and joyful that it had returned so soon after things ended with Dove. This is especially important because I thought it was proof that my single-life cycle of liking a girl, getting rejected, liking a girl getting rejected, on and on and on, was no longer going to happen to me, as it did for so long before Dove came around. Alas, it is still happening, just even more cruel than before, by letting me get even closer to the ideal girl and relationship before shutting me down.
Loneliness...I really do feel like I complain about everything too much all the time. But at least, I don't feel like I always complain about the same exact thing to the same people. I don't know if it is better or worse that I complain constantly about different stuff every time, as opposed to complaining constantly about the same few things...But loneliness. Tonight after coming home from Swizzle+Sparkle's, I felt even more dejected as soon as I walked into my bedroom. Even though I had a nice light and cheerful conversation with MBD earlier, and was playing really well in Halo tonight. It was like any happiness I could've possibly had about anything just washed off me and all the negative thoughts returned. I felt like I was horribly alone, even though I had just spent several hours hanging out with two of my best friends, and talking to other friends on Facebook. Why do I hate being alone so much? I still feel a strange unwelcome urge to cry about nothing in particular. This is weird...I need to move out of this apartment. I don't even know if that will help. But I really really need to. And I need to get the rest of Dove's effing crap out of my closet and get the ring back. At least I could get a bit of superficial joy when I can have the ring back and sell it for a decent chunk of money.ad;sfhjareo;haergl;h
I need to shower and sleep. Ugh. Tomorrow's a new day, right? We'll see.
Several friends have been telling me repeatedly, lately, that I need to learn to be happy by myself before I can really hope to have a successful relationship. While I know this is true to some extent, from my own experiences, I sort of feel like it's difficult for others to understand what I really want from life. It isn't that I'm unhappy with myself, or anything of that nature. The deal is that I was planning to spend my whole life with Dove, and I was incredibly happy about it. While I was with her, I discovered for sure that what I want is to have a wife and kid(s), and that I was going to live out that dream with her was fulfilling something I wanted more than anything else. Then it was all taken away. Because of the fact that I have already tasted what I really want, it just makes me miserable to not have it anymore. I went through some internal journeys, I figured out what I really want, but now I can't have it. And the whole situation with MBD, life is such a fucking bitch sometimes. She was unexpected and nearly perfect, and would've been the answer to what I am looking for, at least in short-term. Long-term would've been something to discover along the way with her, obviously I don't know someone is my future wife the instant I start dating her. But I could start to see that possible future manifest itself again, and I was surprised and joyful that it had returned so soon after things ended with Dove. This is especially important because I thought it was proof that my single-life cycle of liking a girl, getting rejected, liking a girl getting rejected, on and on and on, was no longer going to happen to me, as it did for so long before Dove came around. Alas, it is still happening, just even more cruel than before, by letting me get even closer to the ideal girl and relationship before shutting me down.
Loneliness...I really do feel like I complain about everything too much all the time. But at least, I don't feel like I always complain about the same exact thing to the same people. I don't know if it is better or worse that I complain constantly about different stuff every time, as opposed to complaining constantly about the same few things...But loneliness. Tonight after coming home from Swizzle+Sparkle's, I felt even more dejected as soon as I walked into my bedroom. Even though I had a nice light and cheerful conversation with MBD earlier, and was playing really well in Halo tonight. It was like any happiness I could've possibly had about anything just washed off me and all the negative thoughts returned. I felt like I was horribly alone, even though I had just spent several hours hanging out with two of my best friends, and talking to other friends on Facebook. Why do I hate being alone so much? I still feel a strange unwelcome urge to cry about nothing in particular. This is weird...I need to move out of this apartment. I don't even know if that will help. But I really really need to. And I need to get the rest of Dove's effing crap out of my closet and get the ring back. At least I could get a bit of superficial joy when I can have the ring back and sell it for a decent chunk of money.ad;sfhjareo;haergl;h
I need to shower and sleep. Ugh. Tomorrow's a new day, right? We'll see.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Welllll Damn....
Tonight is a bit of a downer, honestly, even though I did have a really really wonderful time hanging out with MBD after the concert.
So, to the point. I should have been taking those warning signs more seriously. MBD and I are just going to be friends now, somewhat to my dismay, in all honesty. She had several valid reasons for not wanting to keep dating and moving toward a relationship, which she told me about tonight. But that doesn't make it less of a downer. I think we will be able to stay friends, and if we do we are going to make great friends. But I am now stuck in a situation with which I'm all too familiar: one in which I have leftover feelings for someone who either doesn't return them, or does return them, but won't act on them. I have never ever found a suitable way to get myself out of these "aftermath" situations, because I can't let go of those feelings. And if I remain friends with the person, those feelings tend to grow even though they aren't supposed to. Dammit....
This...
Sigh. It's so beautiful. The great part is that, even though it makes me cry from its beauty, it isn't attached to any one specific situation in my mind at all, so I don't feel any weird extra feelings about it after things in my life have changed, or anything like that. UNlike this, which was mine and Dove's song. I'm sort of over that attachment now, I can listen to that album and not skip the song. But I still sort of have to mentally tune it out when it's playing.
Grrrr my feelings. They're all over the place right now. I should really, seriously just go to sleep. But I don't know if I can sleep. I am needy. This again....now I'm even more needy because that potential future I was looking forward to is gone. aw;0ohuawerf.
Seriously. Sleep it off, buddy...you can do it.
Ttfn, folks.
So, to the point. I should have been taking those warning signs more seriously. MBD and I are just going to be friends now, somewhat to my dismay, in all honesty. She had several valid reasons for not wanting to keep dating and moving toward a relationship, which she told me about tonight. But that doesn't make it less of a downer. I think we will be able to stay friends, and if we do we are going to make great friends. But I am now stuck in a situation with which I'm all too familiar: one in which I have leftover feelings for someone who either doesn't return them, or does return them, but won't act on them. I have never ever found a suitable way to get myself out of these "aftermath" situations, because I can't let go of those feelings. And if I remain friends with the person, those feelings tend to grow even though they aren't supposed to. Dammit....
This...
Sigh. It's so beautiful. The great part is that, even though it makes me cry from its beauty, it isn't attached to any one specific situation in my mind at all, so I don't feel any weird extra feelings about it after things in my life have changed, or anything like that. UNlike this, which was mine and Dove's song. I'm sort of over that attachment now, I can listen to that album and not skip the song. But I still sort of have to mentally tune it out when it's playing.
Grrrr my feelings. They're all over the place right now. I should really, seriously just go to sleep. But I don't know if I can sleep. I am needy. This again....now I'm even more needy because that potential future I was looking forward to is gone. aw;0ohuawerf.
Seriously. Sleep it off, buddy...you can do it.
Ttfn, folks.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Mmmmkay...
It's been a little while since my last post. Looking back at that now...haha. I should've known that my 100% security and lack of my mind working against me wouldn't last for particularly long. Ohhhh well.
So I have this thing with the way I think...I may have mentioned it before, I'm too lazy to go back and check. I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Like, all the god damn time. Seriously. I do appreciate the fact that I have a very logical side to me, because it is useful in many situations. However, I am almost always just totally unable to turn it off. Sometimes I don't want to think about things such as "Oh my god why hasn't this close friend texted me in over four days, and why did such-and-such say that to me this way today, normally he's so different" just UGH. Oh good, I'm in a whiny mood. Wunderbar! As if that's never happened before. SO
I also have an extremely emotional side. I have always known this, but I really wasn't particularly in touch with it until my relationship with Dove (of course, before that, I didn't know that I was in fact not in touch with it--typical teenager mindset). I'm sure in the future I am likely to meet more people and do more things that will put me even more in touch with that side of myself. This is good. I love my emotional side. And when my emotional side and my logical side work in tandem, the results can be glorious and beautiful. But about 95% of the time they do not, at least not when it comes to matters of importance.
Anyway, this was all leading up to the point that my logic and over-analysis have begun their takeover of the situation which was (and still is) my source of giddiness. It is really really frustrating, because I know that in the past my logical side has been correct about some part of my situations about 85% ish of the time, even though I can tell myself Ohhh I'm just overthinking this, I need to relax more and everything will turn out fine. No. It doesn't always turn out fine. This situation seems to be unique though because I'm getting that negative feedback from my logical brain screaming the usual like Hey! Don't forget this happened this way, and then that, but never this--you get the idea. But simultaneously I am getting legitimate incredibly positive feedback from my emotional side, and even a part of my logical side is giving off a few positive vibes! So needless to say I am in some ways, extremely confused. In other ways, I am still very sure of what's happening right now.
Ok fine. Let's make this easier for everyone to understand. I think the majority of people reading this do not know who MBD is, and if you do then you already know about this situation, so no harm done. So bluntly, I have been hanging out with MBD a lot and we went on a date, and hopefully things will move toward a relationship soon. :) Exciting? Yes. Unexpectedly awesome? Yes. Rendering too many of my thought processes completely useless due to distractions of the MBD variety? .....Unfortunately yes D: So essentially I just am not sure whether I should be taking the warning signs in my head seriously or not. I am having a sit-down talk with MBD tomorrow about several important topics, so that we may better understand each other afterward and whence we're each coming. I'm hoping that after that, most (if not all) of these warning signs will be dust in the wind (ha :D), and we'll be one step closer to a full relationship. We shall see.
I may or may not post as soon as I can after my Friday evening activities are over, to tell you all about my talk with MBD after it has happened. *shrug* depends how I'm feeling, I suppose, and how late it is. And how tired I am. Those are sort of the same thing. Which means I'm repeating myself. Which means I am probably tired right now. Which means I should get some sleep. Which means....Wait what?
I was gonna drift off on a tangent about how needy I am again, but suffice it to say, for now, that I am sooooo freakinnnnnn needyyyyyy! Hopefully that isn't a turn-off for MBD, and hopefully once things are cleared up a little bit I'll be more secure and less needy. And hopefully I will WIN!
Meowhahaha. TTFN, suckas!
So I have this thing with the way I think...I may have mentioned it before, I'm too lazy to go back and check. I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Like, all the god damn time. Seriously. I do appreciate the fact that I have a very logical side to me, because it is useful in many situations. However, I am almost always just totally unable to turn it off. Sometimes I don't want to think about things such as "Oh my god why hasn't this close friend texted me in over four days, and why did such-and-such say that to me this way today, normally he's so different" just UGH. Oh good, I'm in a whiny mood. Wunderbar! As if that's never happened before. SO
I also have an extremely emotional side. I have always known this, but I really wasn't particularly in touch with it until my relationship with Dove (of course, before that, I didn't know that I was in fact not in touch with it--typical teenager mindset). I'm sure in the future I am likely to meet more people and do more things that will put me even more in touch with that side of myself. This is good. I love my emotional side. And when my emotional side and my logical side work in tandem, the results can be glorious and beautiful. But about 95% of the time they do not, at least not when it comes to matters of importance.
Anyway, this was all leading up to the point that my logic and over-analysis have begun their takeover of the situation which was (and still is) my source of giddiness. It is really really frustrating, because I know that in the past my logical side has been correct about some part of my situations about 85% ish of the time, even though I can tell myself Ohhh I'm just overthinking this, I need to relax more and everything will turn out fine. No. It doesn't always turn out fine. This situation seems to be unique though because I'm getting that negative feedback from my logical brain screaming the usual like Hey! Don't forget this happened this way, and then that, but never this--you get the idea. But simultaneously I am getting legitimate incredibly positive feedback from my emotional side, and even a part of my logical side is giving off a few positive vibes! So needless to say I am in some ways, extremely confused. In other ways, I am still very sure of what's happening right now.
Ok fine. Let's make this easier for everyone to understand. I think the majority of people reading this do not know who MBD is, and if you do then you already know about this situation, so no harm done. So bluntly, I have been hanging out with MBD a lot and we went on a date, and hopefully things will move toward a relationship soon. :) Exciting? Yes. Unexpectedly awesome? Yes. Rendering too many of my thought processes completely useless due to distractions of the MBD variety? .....Unfortunately yes D: So essentially I just am not sure whether I should be taking the warning signs in my head seriously or not. I am having a sit-down talk with MBD tomorrow about several important topics, so that we may better understand each other afterward and whence we're each coming. I'm hoping that after that, most (if not all) of these warning signs will be dust in the wind (ha :D), and we'll be one step closer to a full relationship. We shall see.
I may or may not post as soon as I can after my Friday evening activities are over, to tell you all about my talk with MBD after it has happened. *shrug* depends how I'm feeling, I suppose, and how late it is. And how tired I am. Those are sort of the same thing. Which means I'm repeating myself. Which means I am probably tired right now. Which means I should get some sleep. Which means....Wait what?
I was gonna drift off on a tangent about how needy I am again, but suffice it to say, for now, that I am sooooo freakinnnnnn needyyyyyy! Hopefully that isn't a turn-off for MBD, and hopefully once things are cleared up a little bit I'll be more secure and less needy. And hopefully I will WIN!
Meowhahaha. TTFN, suckas!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Last Night (Tuesday)....
Hehe. It was definitely a very awesome evening ^_^
This is just gonna be a short blurb I think, because I felt that you all should know that I am really really happy right now, and when I think about it (the reason why I'm happy) I get pretty giddy inside :D
Why am I so giddy, you ask....Well wouldn't you like to know! For now that information is gonna be a secret ^_^ Partially because it's fun to keep a secret :P and partially because it needs to remain a secret for now. But I am pretty confident that soon you all shall know the source of my happiness!
There are those of you who will know what I am talking about; if you are one of those individuals, then I tell thee, things are going well! My mind isn't working against me at all, and I have no second thoughts about it, nor do I foresee any second thoughts arising in the future. This is good. I enjoy feeling this way!
Well that's all for now folks, TTFN!
This is just gonna be a short blurb I think, because I felt that you all should know that I am really really happy right now, and when I think about it (the reason why I'm happy) I get pretty giddy inside :D
Why am I so giddy, you ask....Well wouldn't you like to know! For now that information is gonna be a secret ^_^ Partially because it's fun to keep a secret :P and partially because it needs to remain a secret for now. But I am pretty confident that soon you all shall know the source of my happiness!
There are those of you who will know what I am talking about; if you are one of those individuals, then I tell thee, things are going well! My mind isn't working against me at all, and I have no second thoughts about it, nor do I foresee any second thoughts arising in the future. This is good. I enjoy feeling this way!
Well that's all for now folks, TTFN!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Finally wrote some lyrics :)
I wrote down the idea for this song a few weeks ago, in my little Moleskine notebook, because at the time of devising this idea, I did not have time to formulate any proper lyrics or get in the mindset to do so in the first place. I was just inspired, so I wrote down the idea quickly and left it for a later time. This morning I felt like I was in just the perfect mood to begin writing the lyrics for this idea. I turned off my electronic devices for about 30 minutes, and this is what I came up with!
It's not quite finished, but definitely the majority of what I want is already there. If you have suggestions or constructive criticism feel free to comment! (You can comment anonymously, you know)
It's not quite finished, but definitely the majority of what I want is already there. If you have suggestions or constructive criticism feel free to comment! (You can comment anonymously, you know)
Sleep
Another day, same old way,
No different from the rest…
Cannot get the weight of my,
Life, off of my chest.
I’m still searching for peace,
But I’m still fighting that, war
I can’t leave well enough alone,
I don’t wanna be on my own
Suddenly quiet, serenity,
Restful, serenity…
-Chorus-
I sleep, for the very, first time
And I dream, of nothing at all
I sleep, the world becomes sublime,
And I wake up knowing,
This Is My Life!
I thought the world, was out to get me,
I never looked for the clues.
I’ve been so wrong, now I sing a song,
I see my skies so blue…
I was still fighting that war,
But now I’ve come back home
The light is shining,
And I find myself
-Chorus-
When I sleep, for the very first time
And I dream, of nothing at all
I sleep, the world becomes sublime,
And I wake up knowing,
This Is My Life!
Monday, February 25, 2013
AMAZING weekend!
This weekend was, quite simply, very very awesome and amazing! It really is nice for me to look back and realize I've been writing a lot about how awesome my days and activities have been, lately. Positive reinforcement is one of the best benefits of writing this blog :)
So to kick it off, Friday night with MBD was absolutely awesome, as I wrote about already. Then, on Saturday afternoon, my friend Shorty and I headed out for Magic Mountain! During the 4.5 hour car drive to the apartment of the friend at which we stayed, we had very long and in-depth talks about EVERYthing. It was really really good for both of us. I talked a lot about Dove, and I feel like I gained a lot of valuable insight into the way I've been dealing with the aftermath of that situation and how I am moving forward. Shorty is seriously JUST like me in the overly analytical aspect of how his brain works, and that makes it really easy for us to relate to each other. We also talked about his past relationships and current interests/"drama", lol, and about my current romantic interest. It is a damned small world!
Anyway, we had plenty of long, useful, insightful talks in the car, came up with a brilliant inside joke about how using chapstick prevents vampirism, then spent the late night hanging out with his friends. We got up at 8 the next morning (after accidentally waking up to my iPad's 7:00 alarm from the day before D:), and headed for the park. I had a free friend ticket for Shorty to use, and with my Discover card we were able to get into the park about 5 minutes early. We rode Tatsu, Apocalypse, and Scream all in short order within the first 1 hour, probably! We even got back in line for Scream afterward and got right back on the ride right away. So awesome. The rest of the day went a little more slowly, partly because the lines caught up with us and partially because we didn't want to overwhelm ourselves with too many rides in too short a time!
For most of Sunday, I was texting with MBD about all kinds of things, which was very entertaining and fun :) We made plans for tomorrow evening: I'm gonna cook up some breakfast for dinner, and we're gonna watch "a million YouTube videos" :D
Also, I'm seeing a very old friend today who is on a huuuge road trip across the whole country. I haven't seen her since 2003! So, this week is starting out pretty much awesome :)
TTFN!
So to kick it off, Friday night with MBD was absolutely awesome, as I wrote about already. Then, on Saturday afternoon, my friend Shorty and I headed out for Magic Mountain! During the 4.5 hour car drive to the apartment of the friend at which we stayed, we had very long and in-depth talks about EVERYthing. It was really really good for both of us. I talked a lot about Dove, and I feel like I gained a lot of valuable insight into the way I've been dealing with the aftermath of that situation and how I am moving forward. Shorty is seriously JUST like me in the overly analytical aspect of how his brain works, and that makes it really easy for us to relate to each other. We also talked about his past relationships and current interests/"drama", lol, and about my current romantic interest. It is a damned small world!
Anyway, we had plenty of long, useful, insightful talks in the car, came up with a brilliant inside joke about how using chapstick prevents vampirism, then spent the late night hanging out with his friends. We got up at 8 the next morning (after accidentally waking up to my iPad's 7:00 alarm from the day before D:), and headed for the park. I had a free friend ticket for Shorty to use, and with my Discover card we were able to get into the park about 5 minutes early. We rode Tatsu, Apocalypse, and Scream all in short order within the first 1 hour, probably! We even got back in line for Scream afterward and got right back on the ride right away. So awesome. The rest of the day went a little more slowly, partly because the lines caught up with us and partially because we didn't want to overwhelm ourselves with too many rides in too short a time!
For most of Sunday, I was texting with MBD about all kinds of things, which was very entertaining and fun :) We made plans for tomorrow evening: I'm gonna cook up some breakfast for dinner, and we're gonna watch "a million YouTube videos" :D
Also, I'm seeing a very old friend today who is on a huuuge road trip across the whole country. I haven't seen her since 2003! So, this week is starting out pretty much awesome :)
TTFN!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wellllllllllllll
I'll write another one today....Cause I had an amazing evening with my friend who came over, and she really deserves a good nickname but I'm having trouble devising one. Hmmmm...I don't know!!! Aha...Maybe, for now, I will refer to her as MBD. Which is an acronym for something that only she knows about because it was really just said in passing :P HaHA! I shall fool you all, and win the world for myself! *cough* Ahem...Um, I'm sorry. What was I saying? Oh, right-o!
MBD! So we had a fantastic time watching The Fourth Kind (we loved it, cause it is INTENSE--so suck it, haters!) and nomming on my delicious homemade mac n cheese! OM NOM NOM. Lol. I crack myself up. Then we played some games on teh Xbox, and she even enjoyed it despite her xbox-haterism!
So once again, another fantastic day and evening, ladies and gents, boys and girls, dogs and cats...? OH also, you, you very specific reader who will know who you are if you read this post: Saying TTFN does not make me gay! Hmph. TTFN is a Tigger thing, not a 90's thing. SUCK IT.
TTFN!
MBD! So we had a fantastic time watching The Fourth Kind (we loved it, cause it is INTENSE--so suck it, haters!) and nomming on my delicious homemade mac n cheese! OM NOM NOM. Lol. I crack myself up. Then we played some games on teh Xbox, and she even enjoyed it despite her xbox-haterism!
So once again, another fantastic day and evening, ladies and gents, boys and girls, dogs and cats...? OH also, you, you very specific reader who will know who you are if you read this post: Saying TTFN does not make me gay! Hmph. TTFN is a Tigger thing, not a 90's thing. SUCK IT.
TTFN!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Priceless!
Semi-entertaining story here...So last night I worked until about 9:00, then after that Swizzle+Sparkle and I went to IN-N-OUT with a few other friends. After that we all went to their apartment, and basically just watched ridiculous YouTube videos until like 12:30 or something, then everyone left and I left soon after. The problem became apparent only after walking back to my apartment and arriving at the door...MY KEYS WERE NOT IN MY POCKET. First I called my roommate, but he was out of town for the night, not coming back until today around 3:00, he said. I promptly turned around and walked back to Swizzle+Sparkle's place, and told them my keys were missing.
I assumed for the most part that I must've left them inside my apartment when I left for work earlier after changing too quickly into my work clothes (though in 3 years I have only once left them inside, so that still seemed odd). It was possible, however, that they had at some point in the night fallen out of my pants pocket, because my khakis have fairly shallow pockets and when I'm sitting down stuff does tend to sprout legs and run away. We checked in the cushions of Swizzle+Sparkle's new couch, but they are not removable cushions and we didn't feel my keys in between any of them so they couldn't have been there. The only other places they could've fallen out were the chair I sat in at work, the chair at IN-N-OUT, or the seat my friend's car in which I rode to IN-N-OUT. My friend had already driven back home and gone to sleep so she wouldn't see my message asking to check her car until morning, I figured I wasn't sitting long enough at IN-N-OUT to go check, and I wouldn't be able to get back into that room at work until today. So I crashed at Swizzle+Sparkle's place for the night. Luckily I had no classes today because they were cancelled ^_^
Here's where it gets dumb... :P Swizzle went to class early in the morning, but Sparkle and I both stayed asleep until around noon I think because neither of us had classes. Then Swizzle came back home and played some Halo with me until his next class. When he sat down on the couch we heard a distinct jingle come from somewhere behind us (the couch is completely against the wall). I said briefly "Did you hear that? Caaaause it sorta sounded like keys" but we quickly dismissed that idea, partly because it seemed impossible that they were anywhere under the couch since the cushions are not removable, and partly because our game was about to start lol. Then he left for class again, and I got called to go help someone at work briefly so I had to go too even though I was wearing the same clothes as yesterday still. I checked all around that chair at work and my keys were not there, so naturally they had to be in my apartment. Well, I got back to Swizzle+Sparkle's apartment around 2:00 and had thought on the way over that I really should check the couch one more time. So I put my hand between the cushion and the end of the couch where I had been sitting, and OMG, there was a hole in the fabric seam right there that went right through to the bottom of the couch! I put my hand under the couch and bounced the fabric a little bit, and surrrre enough, jingle jingle. So to make the story of the struggles of retrieving my keys out of there short, Sparkle used her small hand to reach down and grab them. Aaaaand I had my keys back. From the one place they surely couldn't have been. -__- I have to thank Swizzle+Sparkle greatly for letting me crash there and eat breakfast...
Anyway! That's my story for today! Now I have to do a bit of tidying up the final touches of my apartment before a friend comes over this fine evening, so TTFN!
I assumed for the most part that I must've left them inside my apartment when I left for work earlier after changing too quickly into my work clothes (though in 3 years I have only once left them inside, so that still seemed odd). It was possible, however, that they had at some point in the night fallen out of my pants pocket, because my khakis have fairly shallow pockets and when I'm sitting down stuff does tend to sprout legs and run away. We checked in the cushions of Swizzle+Sparkle's new couch, but they are not removable cushions and we didn't feel my keys in between any of them so they couldn't have been there. The only other places they could've fallen out were the chair I sat in at work, the chair at IN-N-OUT, or the seat my friend's car in which I rode to IN-N-OUT. My friend had already driven back home and gone to sleep so she wouldn't see my message asking to check her car until morning, I figured I wasn't sitting long enough at IN-N-OUT to go check, and I wouldn't be able to get back into that room at work until today. So I crashed at Swizzle+Sparkle's place for the night. Luckily I had no classes today because they were cancelled ^_^
Here's where it gets dumb... :P Swizzle went to class early in the morning, but Sparkle and I both stayed asleep until around noon I think because neither of us had classes. Then Swizzle came back home and played some Halo with me until his next class. When he sat down on the couch we heard a distinct jingle come from somewhere behind us (the couch is completely against the wall). I said briefly "Did you hear that? Caaaause it sorta sounded like keys" but we quickly dismissed that idea, partly because it seemed impossible that they were anywhere under the couch since the cushions are not removable, and partly because our game was about to start lol. Then he left for class again, and I got called to go help someone at work briefly so I had to go too even though I was wearing the same clothes as yesterday still. I checked all around that chair at work and my keys were not there, so naturally they had to be in my apartment. Well, I got back to Swizzle+Sparkle's apartment around 2:00 and had thought on the way over that I really should check the couch one more time. So I put my hand between the cushion and the end of the couch where I had been sitting, and OMG, there was a hole in the fabric seam right there that went right through to the bottom of the couch! I put my hand under the couch and bounced the fabric a little bit, and surrrre enough, jingle jingle. So to make the story of the struggles of retrieving my keys out of there short, Sparkle used her small hand to reach down and grab them. Aaaaand I had my keys back. From the one place they surely couldn't have been. -__- I have to thank Swizzle+Sparkle greatly for letting me crash there and eat breakfast...
Anyway! That's my story for today! Now I have to do a bit of tidying up the final touches of my apartment before a friend comes over this fine evening, so TTFN!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Bloggety Shmoggety
I've had those two fake words stuck in my head kinda all day so I figured I should use them as the title!
Today was awesome :D I got a Freebirds t-shirt using the points from my rewards card, and my burrito was also free! That was super awesome, I only had to pay for my soda! Then I spent around two and a half hours chatting it up with a pretty awesome person, and then I went and played Halo with Swizzle (lol...that's an awful nickname). Now I am gonna go to sleep soon after I finish this old episode of Doctor Who from 1963... O.O
Anyway! People can be fantastic :) On the other hand, people can be awful and irritating :P But not today! Today was all about the fantastic kind. Which made me happy. I'm still happy about it. That silly kind of happy that might make you a bit dilapidated-ed-ed-ed.....Wowwwww, that is a REALLY old in-joke that Ventus used to have with her friends...I don't even know what the in-joke was, just that there was one around that word hahaha. I feel loopy. In a good way. the late-night hyper kind of way. I guess that's not very unusual...it is almost 3:00 lol.
Doo-dee-doo...That might be a sign that I should stop nao. Hehe. I has a crush. BLERG. Liz Lemon.
TTFN!
Today was awesome :D I got a Freebirds t-shirt using the points from my rewards card, and my burrito was also free! That was super awesome, I only had to pay for my soda! Then I spent around two and a half hours chatting it up with a pretty awesome person, and then I went and played Halo with Swizzle (lol...that's an awful nickname). Now I am gonna go to sleep soon after I finish this old episode of Doctor Who from 1963... O.O
Anyway! People can be fantastic :) On the other hand, people can be awful and irritating :P But not today! Today was all about the fantastic kind. Which made me happy. I'm still happy about it. That silly kind of happy that might make you a bit dilapidated-ed-ed-ed.....Wowwwww, that is a REALLY old in-joke that Ventus used to have with her friends...I don't even know what the in-joke was, just that there was one around that word hahaha. I feel loopy. In a good way. the late-night hyper kind of way. I guess that's not very unusual...it is almost 3:00 lol.
Doo-dee-doo...That might be a sign that I should stop nao. Hehe. I has a crush. BLERG. Liz Lemon.
TTFN!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I like
good days like today :) Despite spending altogether far too long working on homework for my theory class, and not practicing as much as I needed to, I ended up feeling like today was a really great day, and I feel like my life could be not as bad as I sometimes think. Well, I know it isn't actually all that bad; I just whine a lot :P
But really, right now my hopes for the future are high, and I thought it would be nice to share that.
If a particular someone is reading this, then perhaps that particular person will be able to figure out that she is one reason why I am happy today :) I hope that continues!
It looks like I might actually get to bed at a (relatively -__-) reasonable time tonight if I shower now and go to sleep. I did not yet look at the conducting excerpt we are supposed to work on tomorrow in class, but....ehhhhh. Lol.
Ah! I freaking LOVE days on which I feel productive and awesome even when I wasn't actually productive! Go, me! Winning at life and all. For now. :P Aaaaand there's the late night hyperness, oh joy.
TTFN!
EDIT: On a somewhat unrelated note, I remembered I was going to briefly mention the fact that I think I realized today, the level of cuteness a girl possesses seems to be much more important in my attraction to her than the level of hotness. I mean that sincerely. I mean if a girl's got both then great ;) but I often find myself much more attracted to women that can be cute and silly than to women who just have stunning looks going for them. And I don't mean that I think physically attractive women aren't cute, or that cute women aren't physically attractive. I guess I'm trying to say that, in the popular sense of the term physically attractive, I don't necessarily gravitate toward "hot" women as much. It seems that when I start getting to know a girl and I think that her personality is really cute and fun, it actually literally makes her look more beautiful than other girls, in my opinion. If that's the case, then I suppose it actually would sort of render my opinion of physical attractiveness somewhat moot, since it isn't an objective opinion, but one very influenced by emotions and the like. This is very difficult to properly wrap words around and explain, lol. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? That sort of grasps the concept, but I feel like there's an opposing connotation to that that suggests that some women are less attractive than others, and only look more attractive to specific people. I dunno, this is getting way off course haha. Everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way. There!
This does seem like an important facet of myself about which to have learned, and it does seem to explain a few things ^_^
But really, right now my hopes for the future are high, and I thought it would be nice to share that.
If a particular someone is reading this, then perhaps that particular person will be able to figure out that she is one reason why I am happy today :) I hope that continues!
It looks like I might actually get to bed at a (relatively -__-) reasonable time tonight if I shower now and go to sleep. I did not yet look at the conducting excerpt we are supposed to work on tomorrow in class, but....ehhhhh. Lol.
Ah! I freaking LOVE days on which I feel productive and awesome even when I wasn't actually productive! Go, me! Winning at life and all. For now. :P Aaaaand there's the late night hyperness, oh joy.
TTFN!
EDIT: On a somewhat unrelated note, I remembered I was going to briefly mention the fact that I think I realized today, the level of cuteness a girl possesses seems to be much more important in my attraction to her than the level of hotness. I mean that sincerely. I mean if a girl's got both then great ;) but I often find myself much more attracted to women that can be cute and silly than to women who just have stunning looks going for them. And I don't mean that I think physically attractive women aren't cute, or that cute women aren't physically attractive. I guess I'm trying to say that, in the popular sense of the term physically attractive, I don't necessarily gravitate toward "hot" women as much. It seems that when I start getting to know a girl and I think that her personality is really cute and fun, it actually literally makes her look more beautiful than other girls, in my opinion. If that's the case, then I suppose it actually would sort of render my opinion of physical attractiveness somewhat moot, since it isn't an objective opinion, but one very influenced by emotions and the like. This is very difficult to properly wrap words around and explain, lol. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? That sort of grasps the concept, but I feel like there's an opposing connotation to that that suggests that some women are less attractive than others, and only look more attractive to specific people. I dunno, this is getting way off course haha. Everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way. There!
This does seem like an important facet of myself about which to have learned, and it does seem to explain a few things ^_^
Monday, February 18, 2013
Ya know...
I should really figure out this whole lack of sleep thing. I deem myself somewhat clever by referring to myself as an insomniac. But really, I am not. I do not experience a physical inability to sleep (unless we're talking about difficulty sleeping alone...that's a different story). I just....choose not to sleep, because I'm bored. That doesn't even make sense. But it's like I really don't care about going to bed on time. And my class schedule this semester isn't helping, because Monday Wednesday and Friday I don't have anything class-wise until after noon, so I can stay up ridiculously late and still get more than 5 hours of sleep on three of my five school nights in the week. Not that I necessarily have to have around 5 hours of sleep. I've functioned perfectly normally on only 2 or 3 occasionally, and just as commonly, I function normally on over 10 hours of sleep. I guess I don't really know what my prime sleeping length is. Maybe if I figured that out and started adhering to it I would start being able to get up in the morning more easily without setting four different alarms...Hmmm.
Also, every time I listen to the band Symphony X, I really, really want to like them, so much...They have a high level of musicianship and everything...but I never ever have felt a connection to it. I am listening to the latest album Iconoclast right now, and I just realized I think I've given it a listen before, but NONE of the music sounds familiar to me. At all. I'm the kind of person that knows when I've heard a song before, even if only once. And I distinctly remember giving this album a listen, but I distinctly do not remember any of this melodic material or structure. I recognized a song title. That's sad. Oh well. I'm doing pretty alright with all the other new-ish music I've been discovering recently. Tonight now feels like a pretty good chance to spend some time with my personal oldie, Blackwater Park by Opeth ^_^
I've been realizing recently that I really thrive on making other people happy. And I don't mean that in some high and mighty sense, like I think I'm super altruistic or anything like that. In a way I'm actually incredibly selfish, because it makes me feel really good inside when I know I've influenced others in a really positive way or made them happy, and I am constantly yearning for that feeling inside myself. By the same token, it also isn't the case that I Don't care about others. I care about and love my close friends more than anything and their well-being is extremely important to me. It's just a symbiotic relationship, I suppose. That is what symbiotic means, right? Well, anywho. That is not a word. I don't know why I've taken to using it lately. English language ftw! Latin was so much better.
I appear to be scatterbrained. Interesting! That's most certainly never happened before... <_< >_> I think I probably need rest. Buuuuut I honestly feel like just rambling on on here....unfortunately that is making this blog post (characteristically) too long already. Damn.
I need a cuddle buddy. I'm needy. I'm so needy. It's kind of ridiculous, almost laughable sometimes. I think I've actually laughed out loud at myself on occasion, when I realized how ridiculously needy I can be. Other times I've gotten really upset about it because Dove would point out something I do/did that bothered her. Meh. I don't want to go in that direction right now. I dwell on the past enough as it is. It's all about the Future! Unless of course you happen to have a TARDIS handy, in which case it's all about all of time all the time. That was confusing. Bravo, me!
I actually try to believe in the philosophy of living life in the present. The here and the now is the only moment in time that we can actually physically experience as human beings. Whether more dimensions of the universe exist out there that we haven't discovered, we'll probably never know, and that's ok. Mostly. I think life is a journey of learning to accept the fact that you can't change the way time flows around you, and that you are going to die someday, and, more importantly, that your death could arrive at any moment. Perhaps when you're 70; maybe when you're 40; maybe tomorrow. Maybe five minutes from now you'll drop dead of a heart attack. Or some strange phenomenon no one on the planet has ever heard of before. Maybe you'll live to be 150. No one knows. At least, no one knows these things, given that we accept today's modern scientific views and boundaries. It is of course possible that someone can know these things, just as it is possible that our laws of physics have got it all horribly wrong.
I am one of those who struggles with the concept of death. I'm afraid of it. It scares me. It scares me....to death. Hahahaha bad pun.... :/ But honestly. It is my greatest fear. I suppose that reveals that my true nature is a selfish one....even at the height of my happiest times with Dove, my own death was still my greatest fear, not her death. I think a lot of people truly are like that deep down inside, but they lie to others, and themselves, about it, to make themselves feel better. It's understandable. But I try not to. I am open about this fact about myself. I fear my own death. And that makes me a selfish person.
Sigh. There went that train of thought. I have been sitting staring at the screen singing along to the music for the past about 10 minutes. Oh, me. This is quickly spiraling. I should leave now.
Must...leave...gah...cannot....Blerg. I feel like Liz Lemon every time I say blerg. Hahaha that show was awesome. Sad that it's gone :( But I have the Doctor now! And will for a very (very) long time, since I am working my way through all twenty six original seasons now...and I'm not even done with the first one. Twenty Six. So many.
Ok I'm really going to sleep now I promise.
TTFN!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Yesterday was Valentine's Day
The first time in three years that I've been alone on Valentine's Day. Which in itself sucked, but actually the day wasn't so bad. It was another one of those days where I felt very productive due to running in the morning again (this seems to be turning into a trend for me!), and I spent three and a half hours talking with a friend in Freebirds about all kinds of nerdy TV shows and books, which was unexpected and fun. I don't think I even still realized it was Valentine's Day at that point, which is probably good.
I actually intended to write this post last night because I am sure I was going to say all kinds of depressing crap about Her. But then I randomly fell asleep at midnight, which pretty much never happens anymore. So, I didn't. However, I did have a pretty depressing dream, among other very strange dreams that I do not remember. Also I should mention at this point that I am going to refer to "her" as Dove.
I don't remember too many details from this dream, but the main point is that Dove and I tried to get back together. She was still living somewhere other than here in her hometown, so for whatever reason I traveled to her and that's when we were going to start dating again. I don't remember if I knew in the dream whether I asked her to try again or if she asked me. So I get to wherever the hell this place is (I didn't recognize anything that I can remember) and she is busy doing all kinds of stuff so I don't get to see her right away. When I finally do she only has a few minutes to talk before going to do something else, so she asked me if I could pick her up at some specific place at 1:45. Weird that I remember the time but not the place...Anyway, I agreed to pick her up then, and then I just went somewhere to do things while waiting to pick her up. At this point I do not remember at all what I was doing, but I do remember that I completely forgot about Dove and having to pick her up, as in I didn't even remember that I was in this place Because of Dove. Then it was like 4:00 or something and I remembered that I didn't pick Dove up.
In retrospect it's weird that she hadn't called me or texted me to ask where I was, I can't remember if there was an explanation for that in the dream...So, I go to her place of residence (wherever that was) and she was just livid at me, and basically we had a huge fight and then I think I moved on to a different dream, or maybe woke up temporarily. Once I was awake later in the morning and I remembered the dream, it really made me feel awful because it reminds me how, early on in our relationship, she used to get mad that I didn't think of her enough and that I was too selfish. It was never anything as bad as completely forgetting that she needed to be picked up, but she definitely got upset with me about a few things. It also made me run through the emotions I would experience if Dove and I actually did get back together in real life, which was really just very strange and confusing. As far as I know there is absolutely no chance of us getting back together, even though I guess I don't consider myself completely over her yet, sometimes. I dunno.
Life can be dumb.
Oh I got my first jury summons today! My mom got it at their address, then mailed it to me and I just have to fill out the disqualification section since I'm not currently a resident of my hometown. Shweetness!
Well I'll leave this here for now, so until next time, TTFN!
I actually intended to write this post last night because I am sure I was going to say all kinds of depressing crap about Her. But then I randomly fell asleep at midnight, which pretty much never happens anymore. So, I didn't. However, I did have a pretty depressing dream, among other very strange dreams that I do not remember. Also I should mention at this point that I am going to refer to "her" as Dove.
I don't remember too many details from this dream, but the main point is that Dove and I tried to get back together. She was still living somewhere other than here in her hometown, so for whatever reason I traveled to her and that's when we were going to start dating again. I don't remember if I knew in the dream whether I asked her to try again or if she asked me. So I get to wherever the hell this place is (I didn't recognize anything that I can remember) and she is busy doing all kinds of stuff so I don't get to see her right away. When I finally do she only has a few minutes to talk before going to do something else, so she asked me if I could pick her up at some specific place at 1:45. Weird that I remember the time but not the place...Anyway, I agreed to pick her up then, and then I just went somewhere to do things while waiting to pick her up. At this point I do not remember at all what I was doing, but I do remember that I completely forgot about Dove and having to pick her up, as in I didn't even remember that I was in this place Because of Dove. Then it was like 4:00 or something and I remembered that I didn't pick Dove up.
In retrospect it's weird that she hadn't called me or texted me to ask where I was, I can't remember if there was an explanation for that in the dream...So, I go to her place of residence (wherever that was) and she was just livid at me, and basically we had a huge fight and then I think I moved on to a different dream, or maybe woke up temporarily. Once I was awake later in the morning and I remembered the dream, it really made me feel awful because it reminds me how, early on in our relationship, she used to get mad that I didn't think of her enough and that I was too selfish. It was never anything as bad as completely forgetting that she needed to be picked up, but she definitely got upset with me about a few things. It also made me run through the emotions I would experience if Dove and I actually did get back together in real life, which was really just very strange and confusing. As far as I know there is absolutely no chance of us getting back together, even though I guess I don't consider myself completely over her yet, sometimes. I dunno.
Life can be dumb.
Oh I got my first jury summons today! My mom got it at their address, then mailed it to me and I just have to fill out the disqualification section since I'm not currently a resident of my hometown. Shweetness!
Well I'll leave this here for now, so until next time, TTFN!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Today was an excellent day
And it is really a relief to say that. My super awesome days can be few and far between, in recent times. Although, I really reeeeally could use one of those super deep, super painful back massages tonight, just to get all these kinks and knots out. I don't have back problems, but (partially due to my height and posture, I'm sure) I do have a lot of trouble ever fully relaxing most of my upper body throughout the day, and so I'm just sort of used to this feeling of wishing I could have a massage every night. Anyway!
Today I:
- went to all my classes on time
- didn't have to conduct in Instrumental Conducting ;)
- went for a run completely around the school campus (in the MORNING O.o), about 2.3 miles in 20 minutes. Calves are slightly sore but nothing out of the ordinary
- had a hot shower in the middle of the day after running (I NEVER shower in the middle of the day)
- had three full meals at regular times!
- learned about the concerto grosso form in Form/Analysis (Form/Anal...lol)
- had a banana-nut Costco muffin for dessert after lunch while enjoying my fellow musicians' company
- felt more prepared for wind ensemble rehearsal than a fair number of my band-mates, which means I'm keeping on top of my practicing relatively well, though seeing that the bari sax part is almost always ten times easier than any other woodwind part, that really isn't that impressive haha
- messed around with some friends, logging back in to Myspace and friend requesting each other, and reading all our ridiculous old posts and comments and pictures from high school and before :P
- had delightful pizza for dinner from Costco with aforementioned friends
- got really pissed off at Halo 4 with my best gaming bud for several hours (in fact we enjoy doing this)
- generally felt really productive, and happy with where my life is
Arguably, this was one of the best days I've had in several months. I can now feel the regular late-/end-of-night introspection and analysis creeping into my brain though, so I figured I'd share it while it still lasted!
Now, not to be a Debbie-downer on all of that awesomeness...but having a day like this makes me remember things that it doesn't make sense for me to remember at this time. Why should enjoying myself, for once, force me to think about memories from the past that cut into the present like a knife through butter? It doesn't seem fair. This is the only explanation I've come up with so far: despite enjoying myself and having a great time, in my head, it still is not as good as the good times were with her. Before it all spiraled downhill, before she left for her grad program...Those seriously were the happiest days of my life. I've never loved, or been loved by, someone so completely and fully as I did/was during that first year, and this time I really don't know how I can truly move on with my life. It's been about 2.5 months since things were officially over between us. It wasn't a violent break up, or even particularly awful, I suppose, compared to a lot of stories I have heard. Hell, it was a goddamn mutual break up, despite the fact that at heart I most certainly did not want to let go, not then, not ever. The levels of commitment I had established in my mind and heart were just so huge and positive, and even, so I thought, unbreakable. But that all came crashing down in a matter of hours. I'm not going to go into that now. I don't disbelieve that I can handle explaining everything that happened, but I know that doing so will plunge my mind and heart back into every single emotion I experienced throughout the month of November, and that is something I'm simply not willing to do tonight.
Interjection....OH MY GOD I hate my eyelashes sometimes. No, make that on a very regular and frequent basis. It tends to make the women-folk happy that I have long pretty eyelashes, for whatever reason, but good lord they suck to deal with...I'd say at least three eyelashes fall into one of my eyes every single day. And if there's not a mirror around I will be prone to losing my shit. Ok. Now that's out of the way.
I think I'll stop talking about all of that right here. Partially for the previously mentioned reason, and also because this song just finished playing while I was writing this stuff about her, and I'd rather let something cheer me up a little than just get more sad about the fact that having a good day makes me sad.
On that note, I bid thee farewell. Allons-y!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
So, I started a blog...
That's interesting. The closest I've ever come to writing a blog before in my life was when I used Myspace back in the day, and those were few and far between. Other than that, I have occasionally posted the lyrics I write on my Myspace or (later on) Facebook. For clarification here...I do not actively have a Myspace account. Yes, it exists out there in the internets, yes my name is on it...no, it has not been updated in years. I haven't deleted it because I enjoy being nostalgic, and I'm far too lazy to copy all of the messages which I consider important to my life into a Word document or some such thing. Now that that's out of the way. Here we are...in my blog...I suppose I can start by explaining my name here, and the title of my blog.
The Spider Monk
This name has an old history behind it, although not a particularly long or interesting story (imo). When I was in middle school and high school, my parents paid for me to go on these week-long camping trips during the summer, which were run by the summer camp at a local private school. The first year during which I attended one of these camps, we went to an area with river-rafting (class 4 rapids, awesome!), hiking, river-walking, etc. On one of the hiking trails we explored, there was quite a large pile of huge boulders that we could scramble all over. The camp leader/counselor (whatever he was called) Eric had us all put on helmets and pretty much go anywhere we wanted in this awesome maze of rocks. I was instantly in love with rock scrambling and such, and still am to this day. I seemed to be the most agile and flexible of the group, and a bunch of the other kids decided to call me a "spider monkey. Not like the actual animal spider monkey, but more like half spider, half monkey."
SO. When I first started playing video games on my dad's Windows 98 laptop (haha), I called myself The Spider Monkey. I thought it was somewhat clever. Then I got my very own Xbox. But generally, games did not allow a name as long as "The Spider Monkey" so I just let it get cut off at "Monk," and of course thus considered myself an evil genius. When I later on got an Xbox 360 and an Xbox Live account, that name carried on, because it was actually available to use. It is still my gamertag to this day, though more than once I have considered changing it to a variety of other names. So thaaat is the story of that name. I told you...not very interesting. And I'm sure I could've told the story in much fewer words. But TOO BAD FOR YOU :)
On the Dark Side of the Moon
This is sort of a collection of a few different interests/things of mine. One is fairly obvious, if you listen to good music...I do very much enjoy myself some Pink Floyd, though usually on a random spur every once in a while. The other meaning behind this title is much more personal.
I have a very very close friend whom I have known for 9+ years now, who lives across the country from me. Henceforth (been waiting my whole life to use that word appropriately...and now I just killed the perfect moment with these parentheses...damn my addiction to asides in parentheses!) I shall refer to her as Ventus (nevermind the masculine ending...). At one point a couple years back, we were talking about some sort of epiphany one of us had had about life, and we got on the subject of our friendship in general and how thankful we were for each other. She told me a little story that I don't need to repeat in full, but essentially it ended with her new nickname for me being The Moon, because I am always there for her no matter what, just like the moon is always going to rise in the sky again no matter what. I later on discussed with her which element of nature always reminded me of her, but I think I'll leave that a mystery for now, gotta have a little intrigue, right?? :P
So, there you have the reasons behind that title. I'll admit there's a part of me that secretly adores the whole dark/kinda-creepy-but-not-really vibe that a title like that gives off...In no way am I trying to say I'm only going to blog about depressing shit happening in my life (though that's bound to happen once or twice) and that is why I like having a dark title. I only like the darkness aspect because, to me, darkness is akin to what is within us. I don't mean that in a bad way. There is a whole lot out there in the world to go and see, and by all means, if you can, do it. Go see the world. But there is a whole other world inside ourselves, waiting to be discovered, just as huge and mysterious, and I think most individuals in today's society do not ever explore that in their lifetimes.
Which brings me around to a (hopefully) brief and simple explanation for why I've started writing this blog. I was inspired by the blogging of someone else, which I have only just started reading. Nearly every post from this person reminded me of how cathartic it is for me (and people like me) to just write. It IS how we get it out of our system. I can talk to my closest friend for hours on end about one topic that is upsetting me or bringing me down, and come away from the conversation not feeling fulfilled at all, or any closer to a solution; but as soon as I sit down at home and write down whatever's on my mind in my journal, I can feel the peace spread through my mind, like little tendrils of calmness. It doesn't always solve the problem, in fact it usually doesn't, but it does help immeasurably, and I've forgotten what satisfaction it can bring to share these experiences with other people. It remains to be seen just how much I will reveal about myself on here. I haven't laid any ground rules, or put any specific situations from my life on a blacklist to never be spoken of here, so I am just going to go with the flow, and see where this goes. Perhaps, too, the knowledge that there might be others out there in the internets, waiting for my next post, will help me write more regularly. Here and in my journal. I also have had a lot of inspiration lately to write new lyrics, which is a pastime I have not frequented for several years now, so if I get any completed chunks down on paper, I will most likely share them here for you all to read!
Damn. Look at this. Even when I'm talking about nothing particularly important, I go on for paragraphs...I think I have a problem. :D Good night!
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