I should really figure out this whole lack of sleep thing. I deem myself somewhat clever by referring to myself as an insomniac. But really, I am not. I do not experience a physical inability to sleep (unless we're talking about difficulty sleeping alone...that's a different story). I just....choose not to sleep, because I'm bored. That doesn't even make sense. But it's like I really don't care about going to bed on time. And my class schedule this semester isn't helping, because Monday Wednesday and Friday I don't have anything class-wise until after noon, so I can stay up ridiculously late and still get more than 5 hours of sleep on three of my five school nights in the week. Not that I necessarily have to have around 5 hours of sleep. I've functioned perfectly normally on only 2 or 3 occasionally, and just as commonly, I function normally on over 10 hours of sleep. I guess I don't really know what my prime sleeping length is. Maybe if I figured that out and started adhering to it I would start being able to get up in the morning more easily without setting four different alarms...Hmmm.
Also, every time I listen to the band Symphony X, I really, really want to like them, so much...They have a high level of musicianship and everything...but I never ever have felt a connection to it. I am listening to the latest album Iconoclast right now, and I just realized I think I've given it a listen before, but NONE of the music sounds familiar to me. At all. I'm the kind of person that knows when I've heard a song before, even if only once. And I distinctly remember giving this album a listen, but I distinctly do not remember any of this melodic material or structure. I recognized a song title. That's sad. Oh well. I'm doing pretty alright with all the other new-ish music I've been discovering recently. Tonight now feels like a pretty good chance to spend some time with my personal oldie, Blackwater Park by Opeth ^_^
I've been realizing recently that I really thrive on making other people happy. And I don't mean that in some high and mighty sense, like I think I'm super altruistic or anything like that. In a way I'm actually incredibly selfish, because it makes me feel really good inside when I know I've influenced others in a really positive way or made them happy, and I am constantly yearning for that feeling inside myself. By the same token, it also isn't the case that I Don't care about others. I care about and love my close friends more than anything and their well-being is extremely important to me. It's just a symbiotic relationship, I suppose. That is what symbiotic means, right? Well, anywho. That is not a word. I don't know why I've taken to using it lately. English language ftw! Latin was so much better.
I appear to be scatterbrained. Interesting! That's most certainly never happened before... <_< >_> I think I probably need rest. Buuuuut I honestly feel like just rambling on on here....unfortunately that is making this blog post (characteristically) too long already. Damn.
I need a cuddle buddy. I'm needy. I'm so needy. It's kind of ridiculous, almost laughable sometimes. I think I've actually laughed out loud at myself on occasion, when I realized how ridiculously needy I can be. Other times I've gotten really upset about it because Dove would point out something I do/did that bothered her. Meh. I don't want to go in that direction right now. I dwell on the past enough as it is. It's all about the Future! Unless of course you happen to have a TARDIS handy, in which case it's all about all of time all the time. That was confusing. Bravo, me!
I actually try to believe in the philosophy of living life in the present. The here and the now is the only moment in time that we can actually physically experience as human beings. Whether more dimensions of the universe exist out there that we haven't discovered, we'll probably never know, and that's ok. Mostly. I think life is a journey of learning to accept the fact that you can't change the way time flows around you, and that you are going to die someday, and, more importantly, that your death could arrive at any moment. Perhaps when you're 70; maybe when you're 40; maybe tomorrow. Maybe five minutes from now you'll drop dead of a heart attack. Or some strange phenomenon no one on the planet has ever heard of before. Maybe you'll live to be 150. No one knows. At least, no one knows these things, given that we accept today's modern scientific views and boundaries. It is of course possible that someone can know these things, just as it is possible that our laws of physics have got it all horribly wrong.
I am one of those who struggles with the concept of death. I'm afraid of it. It scares me. It scares me....to death. Hahahaha bad pun.... :/ But honestly. It is my greatest fear. I suppose that reveals that my true nature is a selfish one....even at the height of my happiest times with Dove, my own death was still my greatest fear, not her death. I think a lot of people truly are like that deep down inside, but they lie to others, and themselves, about it, to make themselves feel better. It's understandable. But I try not to. I am open about this fact about myself. I fear my own death. And that makes me a selfish person.
Sigh. There went that train of thought. I have been sitting staring at the screen singing along to the music for the past about 10 minutes. Oh, me. This is quickly spiraling. I should leave now.
Must...leave...gah...cannot....Blerg. I feel like Liz Lemon every time I say blerg. Hahaha that show was awesome. Sad that it's gone :( But I have the Doctor now! And will for a very (very) long time, since I am working my way through all twenty six original seasons now...and I'm not even done with the first one. Twenty Six. So many.
Ok I'm really going to sleep now I promise.
TTFN!
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