Mood swings

It has been a long time since I had what I refer to as mood swings. I guess that makes sense, since I spent most of the last three years with Dove, who made me happy the majority of the time. This is something that happens to me while I'm single, I keep going through sad moments and happy moments, sometimes in very quick succession. For example one moment I could be simply happy that I at least get to be friends with someone as wonderful as MBD, and then less than ten minutes later I'll be moaning over the fact that I was so close to being with her but now we can only be friends.

Several friends have been telling me repeatedly, lately, that I need to learn to be happy by myself before I can really hope to have a successful relationship. While I know this is true to some extent, from my own experiences, I sort of feel like it's difficult for others to understand what I really want from life. It isn't that I'm unhappy with myself, or anything of that nature. The deal is that I was planning to spend my whole life with Dove, and I was incredibly happy about it. While I was with her, I discovered for sure that what I want is to have a wife and kid(s), and that I was going to live out that dream with her was fulfilling something I wanted more than anything else. Then it was all taken away. Because of the fact that I have already tasted what I really want, it just makes me miserable to not have it anymore. I went through some internal journeys, I figured out what I really want, but now I can't have it. And the whole situation with MBD, life is such a fucking bitch sometimes. She was unexpected and nearly perfect, and would've been the answer to what I am looking for, at least in short-term. Long-term would've been something to discover along the way with her, obviously I don't know someone is my future wife the instant I start dating her. But I could start to see that possible future manifest itself again, and I was surprised and joyful that it had returned so soon after things ended with Dove. This is especially important because I thought it was proof that my single-life cycle of liking a girl, getting rejected, liking a girl getting rejected, on and on and on, was no longer going to happen to me, as it did for so long before Dove came around. Alas, it is still happening, just even more cruel than before, by letting me get even closer to the ideal girl and relationship before shutting me down.

Loneliness...I really do feel like I complain about everything too much all the time. But at least, I don't feel like I always complain about the same exact thing to the same people. I don't know if it is better or worse that I complain constantly about different stuff every time, as opposed to complaining constantly about the same few things...But loneliness. Tonight after coming home from Swizzle+Sparkle's, I felt even more dejected as soon as I walked into my bedroom. Even though I had a nice light and cheerful conversation with MBD earlier, and was playing really well in Halo tonight. It was like any happiness I could've possibly had about anything just washed off me and all the negative thoughts returned. I felt like I was horribly alone, even though I had just spent several hours hanging out with two of my best friends, and talking to other friends on Facebook. Why do I hate being alone so much? I still feel a strange unwelcome urge to cry about nothing in particular. This is weird...I need to move out of this apartment. I don't even know if that will help. But I really really need to. And I need to get the rest of Dove's effing crap out of my closet and get the ring back. At least I could get a bit of superficial joy when I can have the ring back and sell it for a decent chunk of money.ad;sfhjareo;haergl;h

I need to shower and sleep. Ugh. Tomorrow's a new day, right? We'll see.