Sugarcoated

I sort of feel like that's what my life is, right now. I've had a really easy semester, I almost 100% have a high-paying job secured for the summer, I am taking it easy, basically....

But there's all this other-ness happening beneath the surface.

Oh....Speaking of those words...... Beneath the Surface (Youtube) or Beneath the Surface (Spotify) if you prefer that. That song is....beautiful. Utterly. But it makes me cry. I'm not ready to share the reason why with the whole world at this point, but know that it means a great deal of very deep things to me. However, that's not quite related to this idea of my life being sugarcoated. Just an aside.

If you didn't already assume, by this point in this post, things with Bee ended up flipping around suddenly and unexpectedly on me, so, now we're just friends, because she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship with anyone. Sound familiar? :/

I don't like being bitter. Sometimes I say or do things and immediately realize Wow, I'm acting incredibly bitter right now. That's a shitty attitude. I should lighten up a bit. But then, I really do feel that way, to some extent, so I can't really bring myself to pretend to feel otherwise. Sometimes I do lighten up, and act happy and go along with whatever's happening. But I usually am able to do that by latching on to superficial pleasures that last only a fleeting few moments of time, and have no real meaning to me personally.

So here's an example. I went to a party tonight, for a friend's birthday and sort of for the end of the semester as well. It was a blast. I won at Twister, got to see a lot of people in one place that I don't normally see all together, I think I successfully mingled with all the crowds at some point or another. That felt good. But then after leaving it's like my whole body and soul just experience a general....wumph, downward. Because I realize, although I genuinely had fun and everything, it was still only distracting my mind from my inner turmoils, not solving anything.

I suppose I should clarify that, I am not implying that my friends (who were at that party) do not mean anything to me. I love my friends. I always feel surprised by how much more I realize how amazing they are, at each segment of my life. Shrink was there and although thoroughly inebriated, I think she could instantly tell that there was something lurking behind my smile and outer happiness, because when I was leaving she made sure to tell me she is always there to talk if I need it. For some reason, at that moment, it really meant a lot to me for her to say that.

This has been a little bit all over the place. I have been so incredibly scatterbrained lately. I can't really pinpoint the exact cause of why, though I expect that it is most likely a result of all the things happening in my life, not just one thing. Like, for the past 2 weeks, (sort of excluding the weekend....but not really) I have performed or worked EVERY single night. By the end of this week I've found myself legitimately scatterbrained, losing my train of thought without realizing it...it's weird. Having to work that much while trying to deal with all the emotional stuff that keeps happening in my brain takes its toll, I guess. I feel like I'm procrastinating my whole life.

What I just said to a friend about things....I feel like I know exactly what I want, but I can't figure out the right way to get a hold of it.

I think it's time to end this one for now, folks.

Ttfn.