3 years ago today

Was the day Dove and I officially started dating. It's about time i got around to this blog post, since I said I would write one today...

Surprisingly, I haven't really been experiencing much of any emotions about her today. I actually got a little upset about something else to do with a friend, today, so maybe that distracted me, or maybe I wouldn't have had emotions about Dove anyway, even if I didn't have these other negative feelings and worries about my friend. Not gonna talk about that, though, because I am not sure what is going on yet, so...meh. We'll see.

In fact I really don't have much of anything to say about anything. I've watched a lot of classic Doctor Who today, just four more episodes to finish the second season...and that's about all. Oh, happy Easter! That's today. Not that I care much. I am just glad it started raining again tonight :) And I am seriously considering going for a run in the rain.

I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, since my plans fell through....sigh. I suppose I should just practice. I should do that tonight too.

I am honestly surprised that I don't have anything to say. I don't feel words bubbling up like I normally do. Whatevs. It's April tomorrow...yayyyy.

Ttfn

Last night, I went to a party

And I enjoyed it! All by myself! Not like I didn't have friends, I knew pretty much every person there, but I mean in the respect that it was the first party I've attended without being in the company of Dove. I didn't ever go to parties in high school, and I didn't go to any in college until I started dating Dove, because she had a big circle of friends and wanted me to go with her to those parties, naturally. What I've realized though, is that because I went to those parties for her, and not for myself, that is the reason why I've still held this belief until now that I really just can't enjoy parties at all. Last night I proved myself wrong. I still don't participate in drinking or anything else, but it just ended up being really fun to see so many of my friends and colleagues being relaxed and having fun at the beginning of our spring break :) Not to mention, at this particular party, my friends' band played some live music in the garage, which was freakin awesome!! I always love watching my friends perform in a band together, because it makes me a little jealous that they are doing something I've always wanted to do, but also makes me really happy to see them all doing something they love doing just because they can and they're good at it.

So yeah. the party was fun ^_^ And, it's Spring break! Woot woot! Also....DOCTOR WHO EPISODE TODAY OMFG. SO EXCITED. Now that that's out of the way, I think I shall go lament how warm the weather has gotten, and sit around doing nothing (or maybe playing Halo) until we Whovians get together to watch Doctor Who ^_^

TTFN!

Comfortable Hugs

She shall remain unnamed, because I'm sure she doesn't want me telling everyone all about this, haha. I just wanted to share this little anecdote with all of you who read, though, it's a pretty quick story (for once). Got a text message from my friend today, telling me that the last hug I gave her was "actually really comfortable. not bad" hahaha. I don't remember the last time anyone complimented me on my hugging abilities, if anyone ever actually has at all! :P No, wait...I think it may have been in my freshman or sophomore year of high school, my friend told me I gave the best hugs ever...except that was because I gave her a back massage when she hugged me rofl. I guess that's pretty different. Oh! there was someone else in high school who used to give me power-hugs, which started when we were in Italy and she got lost with her friend when the whole group was supposed to meet up for dinner, and I went to find her. Lol. that was really funny. Ok who am I kidding...I hug all my friends, I'm sure plenty of people have told me over the years that I give good hugs :) Or, I'll keep telling myself that, in any case...

K! So hugs. Yup. Lol. Figured I would cap off this night with a blog post, it's been a while since I wrote. I have been really busy this week actually, I had to perform in my friend's senior recital hearing on Friday, so we rehearsed for that several times through the week. I attended a concert on Friday night as well, got to hang out with MBD a little bit beforehand, and we wrote ridiculous notes to each other during the concert (we were sitting next to each other). That was a very amazing concert, by the way. Our violin instructor performed some duet stuff with a guest alumna violinist, and they each also performed some solo stuff as well. I will refrain from getting into my full music critiquing, but try to condense my opinions into a few sentences. I very much enjoyed our professor's playing. More so than the guest artist. She was fantastic, no doubt, and played some very technical pieces. However, it just seemed like she was a bit devoid of emotions throughout the concert, while our professor was very clearly loving every minute of the concert, and was very involved, if you will, with his sounds and those of the other performers. He is fantastic. Even at one point when he completely screwed up some harmonics in a very delicate piece, it didn't even bother me, because it fit the mood of the piece, haha. Anyway.

I also had rehearsals this week for Sparkle's senior recital, in which I will be performing in a quartet piece. I have all the movements down pat except the last one, which has a couple 16th note runs I need to work on just a little bit more. Her hearing is this coming Tuesday. She's freaking out about it because she doesn't think she's ready. I don't think she realizes that the level of musicianship here unfortunately isn't all that high and that makes it easier than one might think to pass one's recital hearing. Meh. Let's see...

Ohhhhh yeah. So work this weekend....jeez that was terrible. I mean, I shouldn't complain too much, I made quite a bit of extra money, relatively, for working long positions yesterday and today. But, man...outside events that happen in our hall at the music department are always SO UNORGANIZED. I mean come on. So the event yesterday got moved into our hall ON FRIDAY, no joke. One day's notice, and I just happened to be sitting in the lobby when the secretary came out looking for anyone who works in tech pool, so I was like fiiiine I'll get up early to make more money. It was just me and the sound guy working that event, and we seriously had to do pretty much nothing the whole time. And it was incredibly boring. And then everyone left without telling us they were done, so we sat around for a while before deciding it was time to just lock up and go home, lol. Then today...Bigger event, lots of "bigwigs" in attendance, very famous guest speaker, etc...So the people scheduled to work were: two ushers, to make sure no food was brought into the hall, hand out programs, etc.; me, working backstage if necessary, and being the main contact between us and the people heading the event; one guy doing live sound/video recording; and one guy doing audio recording. Sooo, the recording engineer and live sound engineer were supposed to be there a half hour earlier than the rest of us, to make sure the mics were set up or torn down whichever was necessary, and get the lights programmed properly, and set up the video camera, and make sure the projector was working, you get the idea. Swizzle was there on time (as live sound guy), but the other guy didn't show. In fact he didn't show until about 20 minutes before the event ended. So what this means is that Swizzle had to do the whole setup of the tech stuff in the hall himself, and then during the event he was running the camera, live sound, and audio recording all himself (the rest of us have no training for any of the audio tech stuff, it's a separate job) because none of the other audio engineers were available to help. I ended up helping Swizzle with mic leveling during the event, which I'm sure was a little bit of relief for him, but he was super stressed, haha. The event was a success though. Just really frustrating. Those people did NOT understand how to talk into a microphone either, God Dammit.

Whoa. This got long. My bad! You'll just have to deal. Or maybe you're some kind of stalker who soaks all this up and basks in it...wow that was really a super creepy description. Hahaha Okayyyy time to log off, me...

TTFN! Looking forward to this week and the bright new possibilities it may bring me :)

If the Doctor were real...

You know what I would do? I'll tell you.

Right here, right now.

Like, now.

I would go back in time, and change history, so that Monopoly the board game was never invented. Ever. EVER.

That is all. That's it.


Aside from the inevitably long and horrible game of Monopoly played tonight, today was in fact a pretty good day, just as I predicted. I'm on my iPad right now and actually really tired so I'm not going to get into any details. But I spent time with Swizzle+Sparkle, and MBD, tonight, watching Disney movies and playing board games. I also came up with a completely new and original nickname for MBD, that is now my personal nickname for her, and she decided upon her own personal nickname for me as well. So that was fun :)

I think I'm going to maybe literally pass out if I don't just go to sleep, so TTFN!

P.S.

If I don't have a god damn girlfriend of some kind to take with me with whom I can enjoy Magic Mountain at some point before the end of 2013, I will be a very sad panda.

Mood swings

It has been a long time since I had what I refer to as mood swings. I guess that makes sense, since I spent most of the last three years with Dove, who made me happy the majority of the time. This is something that happens to me while I'm single, I keep going through sad moments and happy moments, sometimes in very quick succession. For example one moment I could be simply happy that I at least get to be friends with someone as wonderful as MBD, and then less than ten minutes later I'll be moaning over the fact that I was so close to being with her but now we can only be friends.

Several friends have been telling me repeatedly, lately, that I need to learn to be happy by myself before I can really hope to have a successful relationship. While I know this is true to some extent, from my own experiences, I sort of feel like it's difficult for others to understand what I really want from life. It isn't that I'm unhappy with myself, or anything of that nature. The deal is that I was planning to spend my whole life with Dove, and I was incredibly happy about it. While I was with her, I discovered for sure that what I want is to have a wife and kid(s), and that I was going to live out that dream with her was fulfilling something I wanted more than anything else. Then it was all taken away. Because of the fact that I have already tasted what I really want, it just makes me miserable to not have it anymore. I went through some internal journeys, I figured out what I really want, but now I can't have it. And the whole situation with MBD, life is such a fucking bitch sometimes. She was unexpected and nearly perfect, and would've been the answer to what I am looking for, at least in short-term. Long-term would've been something to discover along the way with her, obviously I don't know someone is my future wife the instant I start dating her. But I could start to see that possible future manifest itself again, and I was surprised and joyful that it had returned so soon after things ended with Dove. This is especially important because I thought it was proof that my single-life cycle of liking a girl, getting rejected, liking a girl getting rejected, on and on and on, was no longer going to happen to me, as it did for so long before Dove came around. Alas, it is still happening, just even more cruel than before, by letting me get even closer to the ideal girl and relationship before shutting me down.

Loneliness...I really do feel like I complain about everything too much all the time. But at least, I don't feel like I always complain about the same exact thing to the same people. I don't know if it is better or worse that I complain constantly about different stuff every time, as opposed to complaining constantly about the same few things...But loneliness. Tonight after coming home from Swizzle+Sparkle's, I felt even more dejected as soon as I walked into my bedroom. Even though I had a nice light and cheerful conversation with MBD earlier, and was playing really well in Halo tonight. It was like any happiness I could've possibly had about anything just washed off me and all the negative thoughts returned. I felt like I was horribly alone, even though I had just spent several hours hanging out with two of my best friends, and talking to other friends on Facebook. Why do I hate being alone so much? I still feel a strange unwelcome urge to cry about nothing in particular. This is weird...I need to move out of this apartment. I don't even know if that will help. But I really really need to. And I need to get the rest of Dove's effing crap out of my closet and get the ring back. At least I could get a bit of superficial joy when I can have the ring back and sell it for a decent chunk of money.ad;sfhjareo;haergl;h

I need to shower and sleep. Ugh. Tomorrow's a new day, right? We'll see.

Welllll Damn....

Tonight is a bit of a downer, honestly, even though I did have a really really wonderful time hanging out with MBD after the concert.

So, to the point. I should have been taking those warning signs more seriously. MBD and I are just going to be friends now, somewhat to my dismay, in all honesty. She had several valid reasons for not wanting to keep dating and moving toward a relationship, which she told me about tonight. But that doesn't make it less of a downer. I think we will be able to stay friends, and if we do we are going to make great friends. But I am now stuck in a situation with which I'm all too familiar: one in which I have leftover feelings for someone who either doesn't return them, or does return them, but won't act on them. I have never ever found a suitable way to get myself out of these "aftermath" situations, because I can't let go of those feelings. And if I remain friends with the person, those feelings tend to grow even though they aren't supposed to. Dammit....

This...

Sigh. It's so beautiful. The great part is that, even though it makes me cry from its beauty, it isn't attached to any one specific situation in my mind at all, so I don't feel any weird extra feelings about it after things in my life have changed, or anything like that. UNlike this, which was mine and Dove's song. I'm sort of over that attachment now, I can listen to that album and not skip the song. But I still sort of have to mentally tune it out when it's playing.

Grrrr my feelings. They're all over the place right now. I should really, seriously just go to sleep. But I don't know if I can sleep. I am needy. This again....now I'm even more needy because that potential future I was looking forward to is gone. aw;0ohuawerf.

Seriously. Sleep it off, buddy...you can do it.

Ttfn, folks.

Mmmmkay...

It's been a little while since my last post. Looking back at that now...haha. I should've known that my 100% security and lack of my mind working against me wouldn't last for particularly long. Ohhhh well.

So I have this thing with the way I think...I may have mentioned it before, I'm too lazy to go back and check. I over-analyze EVERYTHING. Like, all the god damn time. Seriously. I do appreciate the fact that I have a very logical side to me, because it is useful in many situations. However, I am almost always just totally unable to turn it off. Sometimes I don't want to think about things such as "Oh my god why hasn't this close friend texted me in over four days, and why did such-and-such say that to me this way today, normally he's so different" just UGH. Oh good, I'm in a whiny mood. Wunderbar! As if that's never happened before. SO

I also have an extremely emotional side. I have always known this, but I really wasn't particularly in touch with it until my relationship with Dove (of course, before that, I didn't know that I was in fact not in touch with it--typical teenager mindset). I'm sure in the future I am likely to meet more people and do more things that will put me even more in touch with that side of myself. This is good. I love my emotional side. And when my emotional side and my logical side work in tandem, the results can be glorious and beautiful. But about 95% of the time they do not, at least not when it comes to matters of importance.

Anyway, this was all leading up to the point that my logic and over-analysis have begun their takeover of the situation which was (and still is) my source of giddiness. It is really really frustrating, because I know that in the past my logical side has been correct about some part of my situations about 85% ish of the time, even though I can tell myself Ohhh I'm just overthinking this, I need to relax more and everything will turn out fine. No. It doesn't always turn out fine. This situation seems to be unique though because I'm getting that negative feedback from my logical brain screaming the usual like Hey! Don't forget this happened this way, and then that, but never this--you get the idea. But simultaneously I am getting legitimate incredibly positive feedback from my emotional side, and even a part of my logical side is giving off a few positive vibes! So needless to say I am in some ways, extremely confused. In other ways, I am still very sure of what's happening right now.

Ok fine. Let's make this easier for everyone to understand. I think the majority of people reading this do not know who MBD is, and if you do then you already know about this situation, so no harm done. So bluntly, I have been hanging out with MBD a lot and we went on a date, and hopefully things will move toward a relationship soon. :) Exciting? Yes. Unexpectedly awesome? Yes. Rendering too many of my thought processes completely useless due to distractions of the MBD variety? .....Unfortunately yes D: So essentially I just am not sure whether I should be taking the warning signs in my head seriously or not. I am having a sit-down talk with MBD tomorrow about several important topics, so that we may better understand each other afterward and whence we're each coming. I'm hoping that after that, most (if not all) of these warning signs will be dust in the wind (ha :D), and we'll be one step closer to a full relationship. We shall see.

I may or may not post as soon as I can after my Friday evening activities are over, to tell you all about my talk with MBD after it has happened. *shrug* depends how I'm feeling, I suppose, and how late it is. And how tired I am. Those are sort of the same thing. Which means I'm repeating myself. Which means I am probably tired right now. Which means I should get some sleep. Which means....Wait what?

I was gonna drift off on a tangent about how needy I am again, but suffice it to say, for now, that I am sooooo freakinnnnnn needyyyyyy! Hopefully that isn't a turn-off for MBD, and hopefully once things are cleared up a little bit I'll be more secure and less needy. And hopefully I will WIN!

Meowhahaha. TTFN, suckas!