I sort of feel like that's what my life is, right now. I've had a really easy semester, I almost 100% have a high-paying job secured for the summer, I am taking it easy, basically....
But there's all this other-ness happening beneath the surface.
Oh....Speaking of those words...... Beneath the Surface (Youtube) or Beneath the Surface (Spotify) if you prefer that. That song is....beautiful. Utterly. But it makes me cry. I'm not ready to share the reason why with the whole world at this point, but know that it means a great deal of very deep things to me. However, that's not quite related to this idea of my life being sugarcoated. Just an aside.
If you didn't already assume, by this point in this post, things with Bee ended up flipping around suddenly and unexpectedly on me, so, now we're just friends, because she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship with anyone. Sound familiar? :/
I don't like being bitter. Sometimes I say or do things and immediately realize Wow, I'm acting incredibly bitter right now. That's a shitty attitude. I should lighten up a bit. But then, I really do feel that way, to some extent, so I can't really bring myself to pretend to feel otherwise. Sometimes I do lighten up, and act happy and go along with whatever's happening. But I usually am able to do that by latching on to superficial pleasures that last only a fleeting few moments of time, and have no real meaning to me personally.
So here's an example. I went to a party tonight, for a friend's birthday and sort of for the end of the semester as well. It was a blast. I won at Twister, got to see a lot of people in one place that I don't normally see all together, I think I successfully mingled with all the crowds at some point or another. That felt good. But then after leaving it's like my whole body and soul just experience a general....wumph, downward. Because I realize, although I genuinely had fun and everything, it was still only distracting my mind from my inner turmoils, not solving anything.
I suppose I should clarify that, I am not implying that my friends (who were at that party) do not mean anything to me. I love my friends. I always feel surprised by how much more I realize how amazing they are, at each segment of my life. Shrink was there and although thoroughly inebriated, I think she could instantly tell that there was something lurking behind my smile and outer happiness, because when I was leaving she made sure to tell me she is always there to talk if I need it. For some reason, at that moment, it really meant a lot to me for her to say that.
This has been a little bit all over the place. I have been so incredibly scatterbrained lately. I can't really pinpoint the exact cause of why, though I expect that it is most likely a result of all the things happening in my life, not just one thing. Like, for the past 2 weeks, (sort of excluding the weekend....but not really) I have performed or worked EVERY single night. By the end of this week I've found myself legitimately scatterbrained, losing my train of thought without realizing it...it's weird. Having to work that much while trying to deal with all the emotional stuff that keeps happening in my brain takes its toll, I guess. I feel like I'm procrastinating my whole life.
What I just said to a friend about things....I feel like I know exactly what I want, but I can't figure out the right way to get a hold of it.
I think it's time to end this one for now, folks.
Ttfn.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Excitement! Mystery! Intrigue!
Well, sort of...But I figure it's time to write me up anudder wunna deez.... <--- What? Why did I think it was a good idea to type that way?............
Sooooooooo things have progressed right along with Bee! A part of me was truthfully surprised that things actually started working out. She just seemed like the kind of girl who would've never been interested in me, but here we are!
We have been hanging out pretty regularly for the past...two weeks, ish, or so? I guess more like three weeks. And talking and stuff. And then this past Sunday we went on a real, official, first date :) Just the basics, we went to dinner and a movie, which was totally fine by me. The movie was HYAMASZINGH, and we held hands and it was cute :P (I'm omitting some small details which I might not normally omit, because those of you who don't know who Bee is are not supposed to find out yet, and you might put clues together!).
Well I guess there's not that much else to say about the date itself. It was really really fun and enjoyable, and I am definitely looking forward to our next one (which is tentatively planned at this point). I think things are going to continue proceeding really well, and that makes me really happy :)
She's a really wonderful woman. Ok I picked one feature of her to talk about, just now, so that I don't just suddenly flood this post with a million tiny reasons why she's awesome...haha. Her eyes. They are amazing! I haven't quite gotten a really good close look at them yet, but they are basically a light blue-ish color in the center of the iris, and on the outside they have a darker circle of blue (ish) all the way around! It's so cool. It's like...those spinning spiral pictures that aren't actually spinning...sort of like that but wayyy better. Super super pretty :)
Ok. I shall be done talking for now. Mrrrrrr sleep is dumb....Doctor Whooooooooooooooo! :DDDD
TTFN!
Sooooooooo things have progressed right along with Bee! A part of me was truthfully surprised that things actually started working out. She just seemed like the kind of girl who would've never been interested in me, but here we are!
We have been hanging out pretty regularly for the past...two weeks, ish, or so? I guess more like three weeks. And talking and stuff. And then this past Sunday we went on a real, official, first date :) Just the basics, we went to dinner and a movie, which was totally fine by me. The movie was HYAMASZINGH, and we held hands and it was cute :P (I'm omitting some small details which I might not normally omit, because those of you who don't know who Bee is are not supposed to find out yet, and you might put clues together!).
Well I guess there's not that much else to say about the date itself. It was really really fun and enjoyable, and I am definitely looking forward to our next one (which is tentatively planned at this point). I think things are going to continue proceeding really well, and that makes me really happy :)
She's a really wonderful woman. Ok I picked one feature of her to talk about, just now, so that I don't just suddenly flood this post with a million tiny reasons why she's awesome...haha. Her eyes. They are amazing! I haven't quite gotten a really good close look at them yet, but they are basically a light blue-ish color in the center of the iris, and on the outside they have a darker circle of blue (ish) all the way around! It's so cool. It's like...those spinning spiral pictures that aren't actually spinning...sort of like that but wayyy better. Super super pretty :)
Ok. I shall be done talking for now. Mrrrrrr sleep is dumb....Doctor Whooooooooooooooo! :DDDD
TTFN!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Doctor Who minipiphany
Like that? Minipiphany...Mini-epiphany. I'm brilliant.
Anyway. I just posted a fan comment on a Doctor Who picture in response to someone else with whom I disagreed quite a bit, and as I was explaining my point, I think I just hit home on a huge reason why I like 10 more than 11, and one that has nothing to do with my opinions of Moffat or Matt Smith himself or the writing quality or anything. Just the true character of the 11th Doctor. Here it is.
Both 10 and 11 are very goofy Doctors, albeit in their very own very special ways :P Initially, when I started series 5, I just felt like 11 was an imitation of the goofiness of 10. I tried to chalk it up to poor acting choices, or poor writing choices, etc...but it just always nagged me because it felt weird. Through these 3 series with Matt Smith I have grown much more fond of his Doctor anyway, but that was one thing that never truly settled with me. Now I've figured it out (remember, this is my personal opinion). I think that when 10 is being goofy, it's because that's legitimately in his nature. He just has a goofy personality in general, and he loves to Ooh and Ahh at all the little things in life and he likes to be enveloped in the splendor of the universe. I feel like when 11 is being goofy, it's because he's trying to put on a bit of a facade to others (and possibly to himself) in order to hide all the darkness and sadness inside him. 11 definitely has quirkiness built into his personality, no question. But actual silliness and goofiness...I feel like that is his front that he puts on, because deep down he is just a very troubled man who is not at peace with himself.
I'm not sure if that made entire sense, but it has made me respect the 11th Doctor much more, just because I feel like I understand why he can be so similar to 10, almost to the point of feeling like imitation, but still be so completely different.
:)
TTFN!
Anyway. I just posted a fan comment on a Doctor Who picture in response to someone else with whom I disagreed quite a bit, and as I was explaining my point, I think I just hit home on a huge reason why I like 10 more than 11, and one that has nothing to do with my opinions of Moffat or Matt Smith himself or the writing quality or anything. Just the true character of the 11th Doctor. Here it is.
Both 10 and 11 are very goofy Doctors, albeit in their very own very special ways :P Initially, when I started series 5, I just felt like 11 was an imitation of the goofiness of 10. I tried to chalk it up to poor acting choices, or poor writing choices, etc...but it just always nagged me because it felt weird. Through these 3 series with Matt Smith I have grown much more fond of his Doctor anyway, but that was one thing that never truly settled with me. Now I've figured it out (remember, this is my personal opinion). I think that when 10 is being goofy, it's because that's legitimately in his nature. He just has a goofy personality in general, and he loves to Ooh and Ahh at all the little things in life and he likes to be enveloped in the splendor of the universe. I feel like when 11 is being goofy, it's because he's trying to put on a bit of a facade to others (and possibly to himself) in order to hide all the darkness and sadness inside him. 11 definitely has quirkiness built into his personality, no question. But actual silliness and goofiness...I feel like that is his front that he puts on, because deep down he is just a very troubled man who is not at peace with himself.
I'm not sure if that made entire sense, but it has made me respect the 11th Doctor much more, just because I feel like I understand why he can be so similar to 10, almost to the point of feeling like imitation, but still be so completely different.
:)
TTFN!
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